Rigid Rules Make You Fail, So Build A Range

We talk about why one-size-fits-all advice in wellness, parenting, and life can feel judgmental and out of touch. We argue for a menu of options, more flexibility, and a “range” mindset because failure follows rigidity. 
• pushing back on rigid advice culture and the shame it creates 
• letting meditation, movement, and other tools be personal choices 
• refusing to shame food budgets and “perfect” grocery rules 
• defending group fitness and any movement that gets you moving 
• using health ranges instead of pass/fail goals 
• noticing how social media drives comparison and steals joy 
• holding strong beliefs while still leaving room for context and outliers 
• treating boundaries like real allergies and doing a self-check 
• using the school math analogy as a model for flexible problem-solving 
• building a menu of anxiety tools and making it your own 

If you have a topic for the Lila's podcast you would like to hear us gab about, please go to our website. You can text the show straight from the website, lilesspodcast.com, and of course, on our social media, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, um, any of those, you can leave us a message. Let us know if there's a topic that is just a burning desire. 

Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com

Transcript

Why One-Size-Fits-All Fails

SPEAKER_01 0:12

I love it whenever I text you and you're like, I've got an idea. I have a plan.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

And then I just know we're going to be in for a good ride. And I was thinking about this. I've been listening to, I listened to a lot of different podcasts. I was listening to two specifically this week. And it this idea that we are telling people one specific way to live their life or one specific way to diet, exercise, raise your kids, uh, get your hormones checked, what supplements you should be taking. This idea that one size fits all in any aspect of life, let's be honest, doesn't work. We are individuals for a reason. And I mean, I had to turn off both this podcast because I couldn't even listen to the full episode. I was so turned off by the way they were speaking to the listeners. And I my thought was, God, I hope we've never done that on this podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

That's just kind of like the culture, though, I think. It seems like that we're just you have to be this or that. And that's what's created so much division and tension within our country, culture, communities, whatever. And I just would really like for us to see us all moving towards more of a collective middle ground where many new options are presented and we all just recognize we're just doing the best that we can.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

And that what works for me might not work for you. You know, you're never going to be the person that sits down and meditates for 10 minutes every morning. Like it is so ingrained in me at this point. Like I live and die by my meditation. But that, you know, you tried it. God bless you. Like you'll try anything. Right. It just doesn't work for you. You're like, I meditate when I move my body, and I respect that. I'm not over here being like, well, I guess she's not doing it right. I guess you won't be enlightened like I will be. You know, it's just, it's there's no judgment because you, you, you've got to do you, and I gotta do me and what works best for me. And um, you know, like I said, it's this idea I can get behind, because I'm not talking shit about these podcasts. They they've put a, you know, I've learned a lot from both of them. Um, but this idea, you know, whenever I do something like meditation, right? I'm I am very passionate about it because it, I feel like in some ways, like saved my life, at least gave me, gave me my life back, you know, helped me, gave me another tool in the toolkit to address my anxiety um and to really listen to my intuition. But um, and I share that freely because it might work for somebody else. And so I guess that's just where I'm coming from. Um, same thing with diet. I feel like that's a big one. Like, you need to eat organic. Well, that's great, Sally, if you can afford organic. But you know what? I know a lot of people who can't. And I'm not gonna shame them because it truly isn't within their means. I would say live within your means. Whatever works for you and your family and feed your family at the end of the day is the only thing that matters. And I just, I don't know, it really like struck a chord with me today listening to these. I thought, are you so out of touch with uh half the population, if not more?

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Well, I think you're right. It we hear it a lot whenever it comes to like diet culture. You know, you need to be eating no carbs, all carbs, meats, all these different things that kind of come up, but we also hear it like whenever it comes to like parenting our kids, or you know, how we want to show up for different things. And if you're not doing this, then it's wrong. Well, you know what? Every child is different, and every person has their own approach and needs. And that doesn't mean the next best thing that you hear coming up, I don't know, like again on a on a different podcast or the next pop culture, you know, kind of book that ends up coming out is the way that you need to kind of take that and then prescribe it to your life. I think that this is about taking a sampling of things and then seeing what is applicable given this given moment within your context of living, and then play that thing out and see how it goes. But then don't apply judgment to other people who are not doing the same exact thing.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Right.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

You know, or thinking that they're doing it wrong or they're gonna screw something up.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Right, or shame them in some way

Stop Shaming Diets And Workouts

SPEAKER_00 4:35

because it does, it feels shameful. I was another example, was like, well, you know, group fitness is uh a joke, like it's doing nothing for you. And I I wholeheartedly disagree. If it is getting your ass out the door and you are moving your body, it's doing something. It's doing, we know science tells us, right? I'm gonna argue that point. Science tells us that exercise releases endorphins. It doesn't say only if you lift heavy, only if you're, you know, doing squats and lunges. No, exercise movement releases endorphins. And so just to like like that whole idea that like we're, you know, eliminating a whole like type of fitness or a whole um food group from our food pyramid, right? Like, oh, can't eat carbs anymore. Like, should be protein, you better stuff your face full of cottage cheese, you know, or to the opposite, like don't don't eat cottage cheese. Your body doesn't need all that dairy. Dairy's bad for you. Like whatever works for you, and you gotta try things. And some things might work and some things might not.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Yeah, we're guinea pigs and everything that we're trying to sit here and work at and do. And then everybody else that's around us is also a guinea pig. So just because we're all in the same house or in the same community, state, whatever culture does not mean that we are all um identical. Um I mean, that even goes for our house and what each person does for their own benefit and wellness. I mean, I think there's a general idea of what health is and that we're trying to stay within that range. But anytime whenever we stick to rigidity, we know that ri um rigidity, failure follows rigidity is one thing that um, you know, we would talk I would, yeah, I would talk a whole lot about it, especially in clinic and working with patients that had chronic medical conditions, because a lot of times they tell you that you need to have like this goal weight, this goal cholesterol, like this goal A1C, or you know, whatever the thing would be. And basically what that's like, it's like giving somebody a grade that they are either passing or failing in if they don't hit that. And that's not the way that life kind of functions. It's much more within a range. And so even within like my world, um, part of what I even worked with physicians and researchers um who were looking into kind of this stuff was on like, let's let's develop a healthy range for individuals because then we can move the mark of achievement. And so instead of hitting it numbers, maybe you want your blood sugar to be within X, Y, and Z. Now, again, we can move that range as we're having success, but let's just focus on it being an actual range instead of like again, rigidity, because uh failure follows rigidity. And anytime that we put that up there, yeah, it's just gonna, it's gonna get you. And you don't want something just to get you.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Honestly, that applies to so much, right? I can I can tend to get pretty rigid in my ways, specifically like for me. Um, not like rigid in that you must do this this way, but like right now I've I'm I started a new exercise program that I'm trialing, right? I I love a I love a challenge, and it's a challenge. It's new, it's different. My 88 HD brain loves something new and different. And um, I'm trying, I'm tracking macros again. Um, just cuz, right? I I think it's important uh for me personally and my goals. I think that that's important right now. And today I have I've had two breakfasts. And uh before we hopped on to record, my stomach was growling very loudly. Like the blue angels are in town, they're doing their uh show this weekend, and so they are practicing and it is extremely loud. Like the first time they went over, the dog and I both like jumped behind the couch, freaked out. We're like, what the hell was that? But I can actually hear my stomach, I could hear my stomach growling over the blue angels outside. And I was like, you know, it's only 11 o'clock, but I'm hungry. And yes, I've already had two breakfasts, and yeah, I'm probably gonna go over my macros today. But I just ate a big ass bowl of spaghetti because I didn't want to get on here and have you all listen to my stomach growl, and I didn't want to be hungry. And I'm like, part, you know, it's that kind of stuff where I'm like, I don't have to be so rigid. This isn't gonna make or break my goals. This is one day, and I'm listening to my body, and right now they're about to go over right now. I wonder if you'll be able to hear them. You can hear them coming, and then when it goes over, it like shakes the house. It's so loud. Anyway, um, it's super cool. Like it's so cool. It freaks you out the first time you hear it, right? You're like, are we getting bombed? Is this how we go out? Like, shit. I'm alone with my dog. Um this is that, but uh yeah. It just, you know, I was like, this is me trying to be less rigid, trying to give myself grace, really listen to

Failure Follows Rigidity In Health

SPEAKER_00 9:45

my intuition. This these are all things I personally meditate about and think about. It's like it there is no, I love that's why I was like, I love what you just said. Failure follows rigidity. And we do, we get so set in our ways that we can't see the forest for the treats, like you know, can't see the bigger picture, which is really, you know, being satiated. If my hunger, if my stomach's like you're hungry, I'm hungry. I'm like you're hungry, eat something. Um, I don't want my cortisol to spike, damn it. Right because I'm hungry and I'm starving myself over here. Um it's just like that's such a specific example, but I think these are things that um I'm trying to be better at in my 40s. Instead of being so rigid, instead of thinking there's one way, like just pay attention to what your body's telling you.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

Yeah. Your spirit and your gut in that regard too. I mean, even whenever it comes to like making a career choice or being in a certain field, I mean, a lot of times like with that, we just get so locked into what we've been that it keeps us from becoming. And again, I think that's one of those points that we just have to recognize that um sometimes the person, the dreams that we had in our 20s and our 30s do not match the person that we're aligning with today. And if we continue to live that dream, that's not ours anymore. That was Sarah's whenever she was 36. That's not Sarah's whenever she's 44, you know? And I feel like that maybe we just get so stuck in having to, again, that rigidity of this is who I've been, this is what I said I was going to do. And now it creates this discomfort and chasm because that's not who we are now, because we've done so much growth, we've done so much work, we've had so much life and experiences that even with that, holding on to that rigid definition, title, job, relationship is not what that's where the failure's coming from now in that sense.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

Yeah. It's funny how like we can just put this pressure on ourselves or we see, you know, a movement, right? Like, um, I'm thinking about when we were uh training for the half mayor. I thought you were training for the the ultra. I was training for the half um to come surprise you. And I remember feel like I remember seeing all these women my age in the neighborhood with their weighted vests on. And I had a weighted vest, but I was doing so much running at the time, I wasn't doing a lot of walking with the weighted vest. And I remember thinking, especially as I was getting up into my training and my body was starting to hurt, my hip was starting to hurt. I was like, what am I doing? I'm tearing down my body. Everybody else is doing what they're supposed to be doing, which is walking with these weighted vests on. I'm so far behind. You know, I was like, I was like, all right, we're just gonna get through this and then we'll go back to walking. And but at the same time, like I was kind of like down on myself, right? Like, what are you doing? But during that training, that was like peak conditioning for me. The best, I was so proud of the fact my body was performing, that I was sticking to that training plan, that um, that I was gonna be able to fulfill this goal, which was to surprise you and run this race with you. And you know, I I sometimes let that fear of I wasn't doing the right thing that everyone else was doing supersede that like pride I had in what my body was actually taking, you know, what it was doing. Um and it just and this was all in my own head. It wasn't that anyone was I well, no, that's a lie. I was looking at social media and it's telling you you shouldn't be running, you should be lifting heavy, walking with this weighted vest, you know, all these things. And I was like, here I am, just you know, screwing my joints left and right, um, hurting my hip, you know, I could barely walk towards the end of that training. Um, but in the end, like, so glad I did it. I wouldn't trade that for anything um for lots of reasons,

Listening To Your Body Over Rules

SPEAKER_00 13:55

but you know, you can just really let things sort of like even put a damper on something really magical or special or important to you by listening to the outside noise. Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:10

Yeah, it's a very big um joy stealer. Like if you're not going to a certain place on like vacation or you're not doing this and that with your kids, it's like, oh, like whenever somebody says that, it's like maybe that's what that's the judgment. We're not maybe you're not saying, well, that's not the wrong thing or the right thing. You're just going, oh. You know, like whenever you, oh, we're not going to do this this year. Oh, you're not. Whenever I hear that, sometimes it's like, no, ma'am, we're we're absolutely not. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't know that that kind of tone and connotation isn't absolutely necessary. And again, for us to be aware of us saying that puts that judgment onto other people whenever they're just trying to live their best life and do what's great for them, you know? Um, so, but if that is your thought, then own it, I guess is my point. If you do have something to say about it, then just actually say what your opinion is.

SPEAKER_00 15:07

You know, like you and I are so different. And I think about like, like, I would never in a gazillion years enter a pageant to save my life. That is so far removed from from who I am, right? I think you know that about me, right? I just hell, I don't even put fingernail polish on my fingers. Like, I just that's not my jam. Yeah. And uh, but it is your jam. And I watch how it literally lights you up from the inside out. Yeah. And it's your platform, and it's you know, it is meaningful to you. And that's why I'm like, I will support you, I will be your cheerleader on the sideline. 100%. Damn it, you're never gonna see me in heels and a bathing suit on a stage. Like, that shit ain't never gonna happen. Um but that doesn't mean that I can't think that that's not great for you. Exactly. Because we're all different. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

And we do life differently, and that's fine. And it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

And we just makes us interesting.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Right, right. And again, I just don't think that um I don't know. I don't know that they're that whole idea of sizing is one size fits all. Is that ever true? Like it really, like whenever you see that on something, no. Can we just eliminate that? I mean, it's their individual characteristics that make us cool. And yeah, I don't know. I just think about this on so much of a broader spectrum, just maybe because the climate that we're all kind of in or whatnot, but it's having this type of again, rigidity is what has got us to a place of such division. And that to me is just a hard thing to kind of sit with, and to see how much brilliance and life and creativity gets taken away whenever we live within those um walls. And so I just I don't know, I can really eat at you. It eats it easy to me sometimes if I think about it that way.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

Well, I think you're right. You're so right. And like just from um a social standpoint, and that's something I've had to personally work on. And I think honestly, like I'm just 100% real, taking that break from social media felt like a full body cleanse from the social bullshit that we are exposed to. I just I truly believe we were never meant to be exposed to this much information. And, you know, I did a thorough cleaning out of social media. I unfollowed, you know, there are still some that are very, you know, one-sided. I'm not gonna say that I unfollowed everything, but I look at it through a different lens now. I look at it through this is a one-sided lens, and there's probably a different perspective on the other side of that coin. And um while I may agree with this person's perspective, that doesn't mean that's that there isn't a different perspective of this. And so, you know, I think part of it is the social media, the culture, and we kind of get in that echo chamber and it just feeds and feeds and feeds into our, you know, our beliefs. And we we can't hear anything different because we can't handle it, right? We're so convinced that what we know is correct. And I yeah, I'm not gonna say that I've never been that way. A thousand percent I can think of specific topics where I have been that way, but I'd like to

Social Media Hot Takes And Echo Chambers

SPEAKER_00 18:40

think that I have sort of turned turned the page and am looking at things from a different lens, and at least acknowledging, like, oh, you only think this way. Right. And that's fine. I've got a firm belief kids shouldn't be retained. I mean, I do. I firmly believe it is bad for kids to be held back a grade. It is bad for them socially, emotionally. There's no research to support that it improves their outcomes long term, you know, but that doesn't mean that that has never worked for anybody under the sun. I guarantee there's a line of people that would say, Jenny, let me tell you, it it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, the fact that I repeated kindergarten. You know, I just I I'm trying to acknowledge that like even those types of things, and I can say research supports, but that doesn't mean always for everyone. Research hasn't researched every single human on the planet in every single situation and every single context. It is a sample size for a reason. Right. And there are outliers as part of a statistical analysis. There's always gonna be that's right. There's always gonna be an outlier, and that's why we can't assume that one thing is is best for everybody. Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

So and I don't think, like to your point, um, I could just call them hot takes. I have plenty of hot takes on things. Pl I have a whole library that um I feel very, very that I can get on a nice big high horse and um take a real solid stance on. But that's also okay because that's part of my individuality. But again, and I don't have to hold on to those things. I can at least acknowledge that these are my firm beliefs, but that does not mean that I can't acknowledge another side or a different perspective. And I think that's the piece that that gets missing, is that if you think you have a very firm, solid value or belief, that again, that that prevents you from being empathetic or understanding or hearing another side. If you have that big of a um, Cameron used this term the other day, if you have that big of an allergy to a situation or information, then that's probably a time for you to kind of like self-check. You know what I mean? Like, and even if you do have it, that's fine. Yeah. And even if you do have a strong allergy to something, then that's also a good thing for you to recognize about your own safety and what you can and cannot expose yourself to. So, one, do a self-check and figure out is this a true allergy in a sense, or is it, you know, a different type of reaction? And if it is a true allergy, then maybe that is something you can't expose yourself to. I'm not gonna go into a house full of cats. Okay, it's not happening. I'm not gonna stay at your house like if you have a cat. That's that's something that is a true allergy. So if I'm gonna be around somebody that I truly have very different beliefs, stances, or whatever on, then that's my job to acknowledge that, be aware of it, gracefully exit, or also be aware enough that I am so aware of the differences, lines, and borders or whatever else that these things just don't play well together. And that's okay too. But I think it just comes down to really acknowledging what these things are, you know, and modeling that, modeling that even for your kids, because again, they're watching all this stuff. They're picking up on everything. And the information that they get from those that they are face to face with in their own homes is so valuable, especially since they're getting flooded with so much stuff via a screen, via you know, their own social environments. And so just, I don't know. It's real.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

I mean, hell, I'm gonna give another education example to this because one I hear our parents complain about all the time. I've complained about this until I fully understood it. But you think about the way we learned how to do math, right? In uh in elementary school. What it's what we call the standard algorithm. Well, you never learned because you suck at the same time. Everybody else learned. Everybody else gets spelling and math. Yeah. But um she's still got a PhD, so kudos. But the uh the the way that we were taught, right, makes a lot of sense to me. The standard algorithm, like line up your numbers, add, subtract, multiply, divide. Boop, boop, boop. Today in 2026, we teach kids um uh lots of different strategies for how to solve. Like my daughter was doing her homework last night, and she had to, she had to show two different ways of how she got the answer of uh subtraction problem, three digit by three-digit subtraction problem. And they could do the standard algorithm, which she just learned at the end of second grade, or she could represent it this other host of ways. They can, they call it bundling and they look at the tens, the ones, and the and the hundreds, or she could do a number line. You know, they're giving them like a um they call it something, like the reason why you do these things, they're kind of like the concept behind it, not just like this is how you do it, which is how we learned, right? A formula. This is how we learned it. Um, it's different now. And a lot of parents are like, I just can't wrap my brain around why we're doing things this way. But I, you know, now I kind of see it as

A Menu Of Tools For Real Life

SPEAKER_00 24:15

they're giving kids a menu. If the standard algorithm, if you're somebody that doesn't line your problem up correctly, you're probably gonna get it wrong, right? You're gonna subtract the tens from the hundreds on accident, versus like if you can always get it correct with a number line, or you can 99% of the time get it correct using the bundle method. I'm sure it's called something else. Um, you know, that's okay too. The point being that we all arrive at the same correct answer. And so just thinking about applying that to like any other area of life. It's really like learn all the different ways that you can manage anxiety. There's no one way to manage anxiety. I my neighbor posted a reel the other day talking about how her therapist taught her to lay down and to take deep breaths. I had never heard that before. You've taught me to put an ice pack on my chest. Sure. I obviously am practicing meditation to support that grounding. Like there's so many different tools that you have to find what works for you. Um so I just I think that it just goes back to this idea of like a menu of choices. And I hope truly, if you're listening to this, I hope that that is what we have given you is a menu. We kind of explore it all and we say this worked or that for me or it didn't work for me or whatever, and that you take something and you know, maybe it um gives you some motivation to try something different, or maybe it just some new ideas. You might take it and make it your own, um, and try something totally different. So I just I hope that is what that is my goal for this podcast as we continue moving forward through the next season, right? What are we in now, Sarah? Season five. Six six, six, six, six. Um that that as we continue this podcast into the future, that we just keep providing a menu of options and we're never telling you one specific way to do anything. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:17

Because it's I mean, again, rigidity equals failure follows failure. So step back, folks.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

Get a t-shirt that says that.

SPEAKER_01 26:27

I should find a way to patent it and hashtag it or something, huh?

SPEAKER_00 26:31

Um, if you have a topic for the Lila's podcast you would like to hear us gab about, please go to our website. You can text the show straight from the website, lilesspodcast.com, and of course, on our social media, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, um, any of those, you can leave us a message. Let us know if there's a topic that is just a burning desire. We have a phenomenal guest coming on next week. Sarah has been killing it, scheduling these amazing guests. Right. And um, this is next week is a topic that we have had several requests to cover. And so we are it's a heavy one, um, but one that I I'm personally looking forward to because I don't know a ton about it and I'm excited to learn and see if we can give some support and some ideas for people. So make sure you tune in next week, y'all.

SPEAKER_01 27:23

Yes, please do. Also, fun fact we have a book club that all of the authors that have been featured on our podcast, um, we will have a list of them on our website. And if you are particularly local to the Huntington, West Virginia area, one of our local bookstores, booktenders, is going to start carrying all the books and from the authors that we have on their shelf. But for those of you that are not local, um, you can order online. And so we'll have that on there too. It's just a nice little quick place to support something.

SPEAKER_00 27:53

Yes, support local. We believe in that. But you know what? If that's not in your budget, you can find it cheaper on Amazon. Do that too. Do you, babe? Just do what makes you happy. Right. And here we are. Here we are. All right, y'all. That's all we got for this week. Until next week, Lila.