What If The Worst Thing Is Also A Door

A layoff can sound like a disaster and sometimes it is. But it can also be the moment that forces a reset you’ve been avoiding for years. We start with a real conversation about a friend whose spouse lost a job, and how fast your brain can swing from empathy to panic to that quiet thought you almost feel guilty admitting: maybe this is a pivot point, not an ending.

We dig into what “midlife crisis” actually looks like when you’re living it: job loss, aging parents, health diagnoses, divorce, and the pressure-cooker feeling of trying to hold everything together. We talk about the one move that slows the avalanche, taking a beat before you make decisions, and the question that saves so many relationships: “Are we venting or are we fixing?” If you’re the natural problem-solver, we share how to show up without steamrolling someone who just needs to be heard.

We also get practical about why planning matters, how an emergency fund or severance can change the emotional temperature at home, and how a crisis can become rare time to reassess what you want from the second half of your career and life. Along the way, we share a striking story about how a setback can protect you in ways you can’t see in the moment and why doing something new, even something small, can rebuild your sense of agency.

If you’re going through a hard season, we’re rooting for you. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What’s one “new” thing you’ll try this week?

Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:12

I just got out of the shower, so I look like an absolute wet rat. Just dripping.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Just dripping. I am coming in. I had coffee with a girlfriend this morning, and she's going through like one of those big life challenges shifts that we've talked about before on this show. And we've certainly experienced some of these things as well. But um her spouse lost their job. And, you know, in the moment, it's funny because I have to like fix my face. Because part of me wants to be like, congratulations, like, good job. Now you get like this time off, like to really re-evaluate what do you want to do with the second half of your career in your life? And um, I look at it from like such such an exciting time and standpoint, but then you have to realize that's not everybody's situation. Maybe it's because we've been through it a couple of times with my husband, you know, has been laid off a couple times. So it there's that survivor, like, you know, you're like, okay, you'll get through this. And generally it's a good pivot from my experience. I realize that may not be true for everybody, but my experience is like things happen for you, not to you. Even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

That is such a beautiful and I think helpful reframe, especially to hear it be said when someone is going through something. I just think that it when that chaos starts going downhill and you are experiencing that um, I'm gonna use unexpected, like trauma almost in a way, that you just don't know what's gonna happen, you don't know what's gonna do. Whenever you say something like that, it almost just automatically puts the brakes on the avalanche and allows you to take a deep breath.

Panic First Then Perspective

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Yeah. Which is really what we should always do is like not make any rational decisions and like just take a beat, take a minute. I think that's what I mean by it. I'm like, it gives you an automat, automatic excuse to take a beat. And at this stage in life, if you're a midlifer like the rest of us, that you know, it feels like a pressure cooker. And and probably if you have been in your career in the same position or in that same working for that same company for a while, you you are pretty high up and you're feeling, you know, that pressure more so than you did earlier in your career. Layer on family and aging parents and kids, if you have them, all the other things that just kind of like naturally happen this time in our lives, that you realize that it's just it's a lot to deal with, and that we have to sometimes take a forced um time out to really reevaluate what's important. So I've always identified as a last half-full kind of gal. Like, you know, uh life goes on like we'll figure it out. Um happy go lucky. But some people just have a different perspective. I can't help but worry about what's to come in a negative fashion.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

You have always had that. Which one are you doing with things? Um I I just kind of take a really realistic and problem-solving-based approach, I think, when things happen. Like I don't see them as being good or bad, I just see it as an event that's occurred and now that presents as a new opportunity to work towards something, you know? And so um I think that's the way that I kind of look at things. Like I don't even I don't even necessarily get really excited about some stuff either. That most people probably would. Yeah, yeah. I don't even like, aren't you so excited to do this? And it's like, no, that never really occurred to me to, you know, to have an emotion attached with something like that. Right. I don't I don't know. There's probably a piece in my brain that's missing, like within the, I don't know, thalamus or something.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

I should also point out that like initially when these things happen, my instinct is not to like be like, oh, happy go lucky. Like I definitely panic first. Like, are we gonna be able to eat? And then like once all that is settled, then you're like, okay, this is a good opportunity to like readjust and and see what happens. So not negating the initial panic, because I think that's also normal.

Venting Versus Fixing Mode

SPEAKER_01 4:28

For me, sometimes it's quite easy to go into um like a problem-solving mode. And so I usually need to be told or asked, like, do you are you are we venting or are we fixing? Like, you know what I mean? And that may sound very like me being very socially unaware, but for 20 years, you know, my job was to fix. And so whenever I hear somebody in distress, um, then we're going into, yeah, we're going into problem solving. But I think that that's important to just kind of be cued into, like from your own perspective. Like, am I here to, you know, to kind of again be the sounding board, to be the fixer? Are we, or are we both just having a bitch fest? Like, is this what we're doing? Because that sounds fun too, but I don't want to take away from, you know, what is going on with you in order just to fit into my mode at the moment.

Marriage Money Planning During Layoffs

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Yeah. And I'm like, let me tell you, okay, I experienced that. Let me tell you what we did. Just if nothing else to give a different perspective and different options for people. They may not agree or end up doing, you know, what we did in those instances. They every situation is specific to the context, and you can't replicate what one person did, you know, to get through something, but you can take the parts that fit your context. I was a little surprised when this friend shared this detail. Not that she shared it, but just surprised that it happened, right? And um, it just was such a great reminder that this is ongoing for people our age all the time. Like these things are popping up left and right. And um, you know, I think it just goes back to like giving people grace for different phases and and stages of life and a good reminder to when people get quiet to check on your people and to see like what's going on. Um because I do think that sometimes friends just sort of like suddenly you're on your mind. There's a reason for it, nine times out of ten. But just checking on each other, because it is, it's happening left and right.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

Right. And that's not to say to beware, but I think it's just to to be mindful, you know, of um of everything. I mean, people could be struggling for different reasons. And you know, I do have a question though. Whenever you guys were going through that, um it helped so much, I think, that your spouse is just he's an optimist too, I think. Like I just see him as being very um positive and um he's always got a big bright smile on his face. But to be supportive of him in that kind of like realm and area, you guys seem like you were just walking in the same kind of like on the same page with it. But how did that kind of work out for you guys? Like, did you feel like that you had to was he who was rescuing who were you both saving each other through this like kind of crisis, I guess?

SPEAKER_00 7:23

Well, the first time it happened, it was interesting because we had um our finances were separate. We were young, we were married, we we were not married, we were renting a place. It was still very much like what's mine is mine, what's yours is yours. Um, and then the second time it happened, we had consolidated all of our finances. And clearly he's the breadwinner. I'm an educator. Um, and I had taken that year off, if you remember, I had taken that year off to kind of like figure out what I wanted to do for the second half of my career. And so that was just like unfortunate timing initially. We were like, oh, that's a bummer because like now we have no paychecks coming in. Um, but it worked, it actually worked out in our benefit because, like I said, I feel like most things do, at least if you're a planner, and I owe that all to him because he is the planner. Um, and he's the reason, in my opinion, it worked out the way that it did, is that you know, he had planned for such an event to happen at some point. And so he had, you know, like a specific fund set aside for that exact instance. Um, I am not that kind of person. I would not have had this special fun sitting aside. That special fun would be sitting in shoes in my closet or like bikinis and me laying on a beach somewhere. So, you know, just different, different jokes for different folks. But uh at the time, you know, we were both not working. And so it did lend itself to like, well, let's really decide what's important to us and then go from there. And we knew we had a little bit of time just because of our specific context, like what, you know, he had severance and like, you know, just different things. So um it worked out really positively for us because we both ended up employed and gainfully employed and, you know, in better roles and jobs than what we had previously, which was the ultimate goal when I took that year off, was to pivot. And um, he needed to pivot, even though he didn't realize it at the time. Or maybe he did, and it's just hard to walk away from a good job. Um, so I in both of our cases, it definitely worked out to the benefit. But why? I think a lot of it has to have that like planning piece for something like we were never like stressed out if we were going to be able to make our mortgage. And that brings a different kind of stress. And I want to acknowledge that because I grew up that way. Um, and I'm not unfamiliar to the stress of like, you know, paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. Definitely lived that as an adult, as a child. However, um, you know, if you can plan for things like that, certainly made that time in our life much more enjoyable. We got to hang out together. I'm like, when do you get to do that in your 40s? Go for coffee in the middle of Wednesday when no one else is out. Like that, uh, you know, played pickleball. We brought we took up pickleball. We watched shows and that we never had, you know, just like so it all depends on what you do at that time. But I could see if money is a stressor, like that's also a time where you could almost be like annoyed with each other. Like, why aren't you looking for a job? I don't think I ever uttered those words to him, not one time. He was I he was motivated enough, he was gonna find a job. But um, I could see that also being a problem.

Midlife Crises Are Real Crises

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Oh, 100%. Yeah, because some of those things, again, you know, if we're just left to our own devices, we're probably gonna sink. But thank God we have people in our lives who are very uh thoughtful and planful in that. But like a health issue that comes up, and again in our 40s, you know, everybody says that you know they start to kind of like break down. Well, that's a fact because you know, everything has a breakdown and rebuild period. And whenever you're reaching that, it does kind of come as a shock, or if you get a diagnosis, or if one of your kids gets a diagnosis of something, then it just these types of things can throw a different kind of spoke in the wheel. Um, and it can happen to anybody. And I think you're right, it does come down to having that kind of kindness and compassion to it, but just in that moment, maybe take a few minutes to kind of like have the cries, the concerns, and the worries. And then it's just I almost don't know what circumstance it couldn't be that then we have to try to keep our feet moving and get to work on something, just for our own self-preservation, for our family's self-preservation, because your kids learn from how you handle that. And your kids learn for how you show up for others too.

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Yeah, and that can even be just like what's the next step and whatever it is, like right at some point you have to like be like, okay, what are we doing now? What's the plan? Um, whatever the the crisis. You said something the other day of like they don't call it, what'd you say, or they call it a midlife crisis or a crisis? Yeah, you like they there's a reason behind that phrase, and we tend to think of it as like you know, a husband wants like a younger model, gets a sports car, like that's like generic, you know, stereotypical. But it's really about these types of crises: the job loss, the parent illness, the you know, somebody in your family gets sick. Um, these big life altering changes that happen. These are the crises that may turn into someone buying a sports car and a younger model, but you know, for the most part, it probably didn't start out just wanting those things. A divorce, right? That could be a major life crisis, 100% life crisis in itself. So whatever the thing is, you know, that perspective. It's all about perspective. I think that's what gets you through anything.

Do Something New On Purpose

SPEAKER_01 13:14

Kind of allow yourself to grieve, to process, to have again, I think that all well, it's factual. I don't think it life comes in moments. So have your moment or two that you need in order to process whatever that is, and then you know, we've got to get a plan and get to work and start to make some type of adjustments. Again, these can be a divorce, uh cheating, job loss, you getting sick, your parent getting sick. It just comes town time to to work on a plan to and a purpose. I mean a purpose. Finding some kind of purpose and pain, I think is important too. Um yeah, this too shall pass.

SPEAKER_00 13:57

Yeah. All those like corny sayings, you know. They really ring true in those kinds of moments. Nothing lasts forever. The older you get, the realize maybe I don't know, it's just the I don't know if it's always been this way or if it's just like modern with technology and everything, but you realize life is going at like warp speed, whether you're paying attention or not. And you know, things that were in the media and crazy a month ago, like nobody's even talking about it now. It's just it's moving on moment to moment and like like either keep moving or get run over is is kind of the thing. And so, you know, to have that freedom to take a beat and a breath and to say, okay, I'm gonna sit with this for a minute and figure out the next uh the next right move is is important instead of just on to the next making kind of impulsive decisions. If ever there were a time to take a beat before you move on, it's whenever one of these major life crises shows itself. Yes. That's just my old opinion right there. Take it for what it's worth.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

No, I agree a hundred percent. Because that should serve as a I mean, no matter what, it should serve as a time for reassessment. Life is cyclic, so things are gonna happen on a cycle basis. Um, that's just the nature of the world and the jobs and companies and our own biology, it's all very cyclic. And so, again, having that kind of awareness to it and then you know, compassion whenever you can.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Is it cyclic or cyclic? I'm gonna push perseverate on that until I know the answer. Either I've been saying it wrong my entire life, or you have, which oh, I'm sure it's me.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

A hundred percent me.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

Hundred percent. I mean, I would put my money on you, but um neither here nor there. I now I need to know the answer. If you do know the answer, make sure that you text our show at the lilesspodcast.com because we need to know. Please wait. Right. Um we do tend to move in cycles, but we also are given opportunities to um to like rebirth ourselves. I don't know, maybe again, it's that turnal optimist. I know that's probably annoying if you're a pessimist because I'm that person that's going to show up rosy with a cappuccino for you, just ready to tell you how great things are. But the truth being, of like it's it's an opportunity, it's a pivot, it's a new direction. It's, you know, it may be forced, it may be uncomfortable, but I swear the more I do uncomfortable things, the more convinced I am it's the way to go. It's like natural dopamine hits. It is um gives you something to talk about, quite honestly. You're not boring as fuck. If you have something new to talk about every now and then, I'm not saying like constantly, but like, you know, every now and then it's good to have something new to chat about. So, like, read, you know, give yourself something to to do something new. That's gonna be the challenge for you listeners today. Do something new, whether it's a force situation new or you're going to enforce it yourself. Try something new, whatever that is.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

Very rarely in all of my years of practice or in talking with friends or anything else, have I heard a truly negative outcome from doing something new or from a situation like a job loss or an illness or something that just turned out to be absolutely the worst situation ever. It sucks in the moment, but I have very, and I mean, I can't honestly, I even if it ends in death, they save that person from some level of suffering. I'm convinced of that, you know?

SPEAKER_00 17:51

Yeah.

A Mammogram Story And Meaning

SPEAKER_01 17:52

But I I very rarely have ever encountered or experienced a situation like that. So I think those things do happen for a reason, and we don't know what that may have saved us from or what opportunity it's now given us. So I was just reading something from a lady the other day, and she had really worked hard for something, really wanted to have it, win it, whatever the situation was. But if she had got it, she would have had to have rescheduled like a routine mammogram and had no signs or symptoms whatsoever of breast cancer, was devastated when the thing that she had been working so hard for didn't happen. But because it didn't, she was able to go to that appointment and has stage three um breast cancer. Now, does it suck that she has that and didn't win or get what she wanted? Yes, but also thank God, because now, you know, opportunity is there. And I think, and that's what she was reflective of was that this is had I worked my plan instead of the other plan that was set before me, yeah, yeah, then I would not be able to be here or be doing anything. So yeah.

Support, No Shame, And Closing

SPEAKER_00 19:07

Such a good reminder. It's like when you are five minutes behind schedule and then you come up on an accident, you're like, see, I would have left five minutes earlier. That could have been me. Like that's the way my brain thinks. Things will work out somehow, somehow, even in the worst situations, they seem to always, you know, always land on your feet somehow. Yeah. But um I hope that this has given some inspiration to whomever is listening and going through some type of crisis. Um, you're not alone. It's likely we've recorded a podcast about it.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

So go back through our catalog. And uh you'll see our we've been through a lot of life experiences. Um Right. We've probably talked about it at this point. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

I'm always like, oh, what's the next one gonna be? Like, damn it. Uh no. But also, you know, we have we have talked about a lot on this show, which was the purpose of this was to get on here, talk, and like break down some of the, you know, stereotypes or whatever it is. We're still trying to break down that mental health wall. And this is no different. This is no reason to feel like ashamed or sad or embarrassed. Like it is what it is. It's just something, it's an event. It doesn't define you, it doesn't define your family. You know, it's a moment in time, and this too shall pass. And so thank you for listening. We hope that uh share, like, subscribe, go to our website, uh lilesspodcast.com. You can connect to all of our social media platforms, and you can text the show. So we love hearing from you. Thank you all so much for your comments, your suggestions. We are working hard to line up some really good uh guests on the show for the season. What are we in now? Season five. Six, six, six, season six six. Yeah. Um so stay tuned. We got some fun stuff cooking in the uh in the kitchen. We're not giving up yet. The little podcast that could is sticking around, people. Right, we're gonna go. Don't give on us. We won't we won't give up on you. Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

Have a good one, guys. We're out. Lila, we're gonna go.