The LYLAS Podcast
If you know what LYLAS stands for, then this podcast is for you! Two besties since middle school turned moms and psychologists dish on "the good, the fun, and the yucks" of life! We're tackling all things mental health, "mom balance" (whatever the hell that is), transitions in life (divorce, career, aging parents, parent loss, loss of friendships), self-care, travel, healthy habits, raising kids, and allllllll the things us midlife mamas are experiencing. We hope each week listeners feel like they just left a good ol' therapy session with their bestie! We'll dish on all the tips and tricks to keep your mental health in check and enjoy this thing called life! Meet your life's newest cheerleaders-- Sarah & Jen! LYLAS!
The LYLAS Podcast
Help! My MIL Reorganized My Kitchen (And Other Reddit Disasters)
Whether you're navigating relationship red flags, parenting challenges, or boundary violations with in-laws, this episode delivers valuable insights in an accessible and conversational manner. The unscripted format provides listeners with both practical advice and the confidence to trust their instincts when something feels wrong.
Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com
So this will be a fun episode, something a little different. We've never done anything like this. We're gonna do some Reddit responses. Uh, producer Seth has pulled us some Reddit questions, and we are gonna just do some uh hot takes, some cold responses right here from your favorite school psychologist and former clinical health psychologist. Please go to our social media handles at lilesspodcast.com or the Liless Podcast. So you can find us on our so you can find us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, uh, YouTube, all the things. Make sure you check us out. Like, subscribe, send it to your friends. We would so appreciate it because we don't make you listen to commercials. I don't know if you've noticed that. But this is just us gripping it and ripping it. So um without further ado, let's get some some hot takes. Okay. Would you stay with someone that steals from you? Just like the title says, me, 38-year-old female and my boyfriend, 42-year-old male, live together and we have a baby and other children of our own. He's such a sweet, loving partner and dad. He's calming, supportive, just all around a great guy. Aside from the dishonesty and stealing, I know it sounds like a no-brainer that it's not okay, and it's so hard to understand that someone so great could do that. He's admitted to some things and will say he has a lot to work on, and that he'll leave if I don't want him here. He's in couples therapy with me as well. He's stolen cash from my house on multiple occasions. He's pretended to have employment, but did not. And the latest to find out that he has stolen some of my prescription medication. Wolf. He's also a closet drinker, very functional, but I find beer cans in the trash and have told him that I'm a hundred percent fine if he has a beer here and there. I don't care, but please tell me so I don't feel like you're hiding something. On one side he has stuff to work on, clearly has some addictions and dishonesty and drinking and stealing, I guess. But if he's willing to work on it, do I stay and work through it? On the other hand, I can't trust him not to steal and hide my stuff. Any advice? Words of wisdom, appreciate it.
SPEAKER_00:Go. Well, I would say that you have an adult man child. And I you're not for your fucking life. You you've got to get out of that. This this is a I mean, my that you're just being total load of crap at this point. And you you can't work through that. That's just that's just somebody who's not willing to kind of grow up and let's say that he is getting some level of help here. How long? Like how long are you gonna put your life on hold for this? The the things about this that are upsetting are I'm he's good with the kids because he is a kid. Can we just say that? I mean, there's that. True. If you see all of that behavior happening, but they're only good in one area, and again, all of these other adulting areas are non-functional, it's because you're you have an adult man child on your hands. So get them out, restart. You know, you ain't getting child support from somebody that ain't got all these problems. So you need to, you know, do what you gotta do to get your life together. The pro I mean, aside from the money and the lack, if you don't have trust in your relationship, you don't have anything. But when somebody starts to take medication from you that messes with your health or whatever your condition is, that is somebody who clearly does not care about you. This is not about other levels of addiction. This is someone who does not care about you. And that is that is just what that is.
SPEAKER_01:I also wonder, like, you know, she's like, he's a great partner and he's a great father, but like, can you be a great partner and father if you're doing if you're lying and stealing and can you? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if the two of those things can coexist, quite honestly. No.
SPEAKER_00:Um tell me how he's a great dad if he's doing drinking all the time and taking your prescription meds and then doing maybe other drugs. What part what what's your definition of a good father? That's my next question.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I think, you know, she did make the point. She's like, I know it should be a no-brainer. And I think right there, if you can say that line, then it is a no-brainer. Run for your life. Don't look back. And um, yeah, I that's Yeah, nothing else besides that. Again. Get out. Been there, done that, run for your life. Well, we briefly went through these earlier. I couldn't even get through this one with a straight face, so I'm gonna try to do a better job this time. But here goes. I'm only 20 years old, but I've been working since I was sixteen, and I'm tired of the constant rat race. I feel like I'm working my life away. Feel like a robot. Clock in, eat, prepare for work the next day, sleep, and do it all over again. It's exhausting, and frankly, it has me hating my life every single day. I dread waking up because I know it's another day of unfulfilling BS, working, making pennies on the dollar. Um anyway, this woman is is saying she's 20, and you know, I d I hate to tell you, I don't know your name, lady, but it's probably not gonna get any better uh anytime soon. The rat race part of it. However, I will say, as soon as you start to recognize what you do have control over in your day and how you can really start to manipulate that to make it enjoyable, that to me is the key. I mean, I did the rat race for well over 15 years and uh, you know, eat, sleep, breathe, you know, just repeat and rinse and repeat. And I'll say that once I started getting up early and like making sure that I had time for me to do things that I enjoy in the day, like getting up early all of a sudden wasn't as hard because it was my choice of what I got to do during that time. And so I'm a big believer in that you create happiness based on what you enjoy. So if you enjoy feeling fit and good, then you get up and work out before you go to work. You know, it's like all about like preparing yourself. You may not love the job you're currently in, but you can make your day more enjoyable. Would you agree with that?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think that your level of enjoyment at is a result of the minute by minute choices that you make throughout a day, whether that be in your actions, your thoughts about what's happening, or your emotional expression as much as what you can kind of manage and handle most of it. Yeah. I would also say, um, I mean, this is me speaking, not as a professional of any type. Um, and I'll caveat that anytime. A first I'll say I don't know how much sympathy you're gonna get from that because you haven't put the time in. But I will say I get that it sucks and that your realization of that is great. I was gonna say I applaud the realization at 20. I do.
SPEAKER_01:I have the realization that like because I mean I was well in my 30s before I realized what I had sunk myself into.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And I would say this I understand that jobs sometimes are out of necessity to a degree, but that can be aided tremendously by if you are working either within a field that you want to go in academically or maybe professionally, or that if what you're doing is aligned somehow with what your values are and what your life goals are. I would not be a good banker. And it's not because we're a good accountant. Okay. This is just based on my own assessment of like life skills, right? Um, I can't do math. Like you put numbers in front of me most of the time, and I'm just like, you're I'm reading Latin or hieroglyphics, like this isn't gonna work. Right. But I know, you know, I worked from the time I was 16 until like 41 or whatever. And whenever I was getting jobs after high school, I made sure that every job that I got at that time was in some way related to the field I was getting ready to go into, even if it was like direct care staff. And then as my years went on, um, you know, I would then transition into I worked at a um youth residential facility where all these kids were adjudicated or taken out of their homes because of their behaviors or things that had happened to them. So I made sure that what my job was aligned with my education and honestly that I was able to do both at the same time.
SPEAKER_01:And what I love about what you just said is that you created these opportunities for you to learn and gain experience because ultimately when you're sitting in your 40s, I know this person that wrote this question on Reddit is 20, but when you're sitting, you know, closing in on mid-40s, really you start talking about like your experiences in your career. And that is what you realize you learned the most from. And so while you didn't specifically get a degree in working with people with developmental disorders or want to go into kind of like any kind of special uh special education, that kind of stuff, that still gave you an experience that you carried with you throughout the rest of your career. And I think that is ultimately what is so important. The fact that you were smart enough to do that at a young age in your 20s. Um, I didn't, you know, I was bartending, I was just trying to make a dollar or a lot of dollars. Um, so I was not doing that kind of stuff until I got into grad school and I was a preschool teacher, and that's somewhat related to school psychology. But at any rate, it did give me an experience. I could at least say I had been a teacher of little people and some street cred, I guess. Um but that point just being like you created that situation, and that goes back to you get you ultimately get to create your own happiness. So I don't know what this person wants. I didn't even finish reading their whole uh synopsis here, but start thinking about some ways that you might be able to gain some experience in whatever it is you're truly interested in. And while it may not be the ultimate goal for a job, it's it's think of it as like gathering more experience. Be intentional, very intentional, one of our favorite words here. But I like I have I'll give it to this person. They were like, you know, people are like, well, this is just life. And she's like, it shouldn't be. And how is everyone not angry about that? And I applaud her for at such a young age, kind of having those thoughts of like, no. And because she will, she'll be somebody that goes and finds her way and and eventually figures out what her passion is. And that to me, I think is the key to finding happiness in your career. You gotta really, and I I mean, people always say you gotta love what you do so that it doesn't feel like work, but also you gotta really be passionate about it so that you want to get up in the morning and get your ass to work. Should we go to another question? Let's see. We've got here this is a very embarrassing post, but I want to remind everyone that OCD is not the keep everything clean and organized stereotype that Hollywood portrays. There are many types of OCD, and only a percentage of those with OCD have the types that make someone obsessed with cleanliness. For me, OCD takes up so much of my mental energy that I cannot keep up my space clean. She says I get anxiety about going into my spaces because of the mess, but more anxiety about cleaning it and being judged while I do. It's not logical, but mil mental illness isn't logical either. Um, I'll say this first and foremost, that we are not giving advice as therapists. While we do have extensive training in mental health, these this in no way is any kind of like professional advice. This is us really just giving some responses to some of these things that uh we found on Reddit. But what I'll say about this, and I think Sarah, you can probably take this better than I can, because OCD is much more your area. Um, but they are right in that people do often misuse that term. I mean, you hear people say it all the time, right? Like, oh, he's so OCD, everything has to be his way. And that's just not quite true. Do you want to give us just like a real kind of definition of what OCD is?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I the first thing I would say is that again, I think that there's been a double-edged sword to us using diagnostic lingo casually. And so, like what you just said, that person's so OCD, that person so bipolar, that person so, you know, why are they always depressed? Like we are using diagnostic words or conditions to um in our everyday language, um, that carries a lot of weight. So that's the downside to it. And a lot, it's 90% of the time used inaccurately, what or with uh malice behind it. So if you know somebody's suffering from something and then you're using that against them, that's not okay either. The other benefit to it is that it has got us, I think, to this point where we are destigmatizing mental health. We are talking about it more open openly. And I think that some of this has led to greater recognition of symptoms as well as people getting into care and treatment. So for this person, I would say absolutely the best thing that you can do in this situation is be seeing some type of particularly a CBT, a cognitive behaviorally trained trained um professional, because that will not only help you with your condition or even accurate diagnosis, and I'll get to that in a minute, um, of it, but it will also help you in your conversations with family and just general life management. Um, so there's that. From a clinical piece and just a snippet of it, she is right whenever she says that there are different types, so to speak, of OCD. So what we normally think of is just a person that is constantly obsessing over certain things. That's like germs, or that they have to go through and um touch a door in the exact right way. They have to go back and have a lot of checking-based behaviors. So we're not just checking once. Yeah. Yeah. You're not just checking once to see if the stove's off. You've now spent 30 minutes going back and double triple checking yourself. Every check. Yeah. Yeah. And so it takes a lot of time. It creates massive amounts of discomfort. And um, a lot of times those behaviors are observable to others, which does create even more um distress, but it is notably very, very time consuming, like past the point of reasonability. Now, OCPD, which whenever we put a PD behind something, that means it's a personality disorder. So obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. This person does not have maybe some of those overt ritual kind of like base behaviors in that sense, but they are um really rigid whenever it comes to perfectionism and kind of control in those ways. Um, they often see their behaviors as um being appropriate or correct or necessary and justified instead of something that um if I don't do this, something bad's going to happen. Like a lot of times with OCD, people feel like that their behavior actually can control an outcome of their future, which is very different than somebody with OCPD. Um, and theirs are about like again, with PD, we're talking about broad range, like orderliness and control. And that does actually really affect a lot of other relationships in a different way. Because if you think that what you're doing is right, then what the other person's doing automatically becomes wrong. And typically with OCP, um, again, they're not spending a lot of that time like touching the doors or um, you know, washing their hands or doing other kind of like ritualistic behaviors, but you can walk in those houses and generally tell, you know, just what is what, or that there it creates a lot of tension. Um, because if you have a child and your spoons aren't correctly lined up within the drawer and the kid just opens the drawer and shuts it, then that can cause somebody to almost have like a meltdown. And so regardless, the thing is that I think it's really important that if you have a condition that is causing some major disruptions within your life, um, relationally, socially, emotionally, cognitively, whatever, um, then you need to get some help with it. And there's no shame in that game whatsoever. But I would make sure, above all things, that the person that you go to um is well trained, that they have experience treating the specific disorder that you think you have, um, but be open to the fact that it may not be it. And then that they are, you know, that you're willing to kind of go with that person that's a good jail. Because if it's not, it's not going to work.
SPEAKER_01:Did you ever watch that show on MTV? It was called like True Life. I have, you know, like there was one episode, True Life, I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Or true life, I have autism. Did you ever watch those? Love it. Love true life. Loved that whole series because it really did show uh disorders for what they are, right? We tend to think of like behaviors like, oh, I'm so obsessive and compulsive. I'm obsessive and compulsive about certain things, but it doesn't impact my life and my functioning to a point where it's becomes a disorder. And I think when you uh from what I recall of that series, when you watch those episodes, you realized what a disorder truly is. It's something that these people's lives are impacted because of these obsessions and compulsions and rituals, like that they can't function, you know, in society. And so um, that's what I loved about that show is like a real look at disorders. Um, but what a vulnerable show for people to put themselves out there like that. Um anyway, that was, I feel like probably a good thing for, you know, we talk about like destigmatizing mental health because these were normal people otherwise, right? But they had these mental health issues. All right, looking at the next one. Okay, my nine nearly 10-year-old has a boyfriend. So tweens with boyfriend, girlfriends. I'm fine with it. I was fine with it at first because I believe if you push too hard, they'll likely push back. She only ever saw him at school, and of course, at that age, it's not a serious thing. Now though, it's the summer holidays, and she sees him out of school more regularly. It seemed okay at first. He came across kind of kind towards her. Now, however, he's gotten very intense. He messages her constantly and is very touchy to her. He puts his arms around her all the time, touches her waist, they're never alone, only around family, she said, which makes her even more worried because I dread to think what he'd do if he were alone with her. She'll be ten in two weeks. He is twelve in a month. It's only school years difference, but it's more evident the more time they spend together. I don't know how to approach this without making her feel like she's done something wrong or making her push back against me. Can anyone give me advice, please? Oh. This hits. Of course, I have a 10-year-old, right? You do too. Yeah. It's hard because you go back and forth, like, right, we're not trying to like sexualize our kids in any ways, and we don't want to put these ideas, but it is hard when kids start to try to like act like adults, right? They see like putting their hands around their waist or like putting their arm around them. When you see them doing adult-like behaviors, it does make you feel a little bit like, oh, I don't know if this is right. You're only 10 or 9 or whatever, however, however old you are. Um so I guess really to answer the question about like how to best approach it with her daughter, I would just say I've, you know, kind of like, again, it's all about how and when. You gotta make sure they're in the right mood, especially with these tweens I'm learning. Like, you know, for me, it would be like when, you know, my my tenure and 10-year-old and I are like laying in bed at night. I usually lay with him just because that's when he's chatty, um, until he falls asleep or until I fall asleep. But um, you know, I would say, like, hey, I've kind of noticed that so and so is putting his arm around you. Like, how does that make you feel? Like, just to get a gauge on if she's comfortable with it. I think that would be sort of your in. Because my guess is having once been a 10-year-old little girl, it's uncomfortable for her, especially in front of your family. Like, I would have been mortified, I think, um, at that age. And so, yeah, I think I would approach it with uh like how you know, how does that make you feel? Are you comfortable with that? Like, you know, not from a it makes me uncomfortable, but truly like how do you feel about it as the person on the receiving end?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I think that's true. And, you know, based upon what she says, then you know, she's uncomfortable, then it's our turn and then equipped her with the skills that she needs in order to voice her discomfort and you know, to not be afraid of not being liked or some of those other types of, you know, self-esteem repercussions that can kind of come from all of this. Um I like that the mom's attuned to it, like that she's really dialed in when she sees all this stuff kind of going on. Um because I think that that's helpful. I think we should be, especially with kids at that age. Um I'm a little squirrely about I mean it's not that much older, but you know, it at certain points, um, you can be a really old 12-year-old. You know what I mean? Or that's I just I would be a little bit I'm just squirrely about that. And then the other piece to it is um supervised time. Like whenever they're hanging out together, like, is it all supervised time? Is it non-supervised time? Like what's right, you know what I mean, kind of going on here. Um because at at some level too, even if let's say she's fine with it and kind of likes it, if you still as a parent are okay and are not okay with this, then it's still your job to step in because kids at that age do not have the developmental part of their brain functioning to process emotions. Ours isn't working at this point of 43. But nothing's working at this point. There's a little barrier. There's a little barrier. There's some like 20 years time period where it might be working okay. Um, so if you're a parent in your 30s, congratulations. Hey, that's what I was. Enjoy, enjoy it. My time period's out. But I would just be I I think that our um internal messages come up for a reason, and I just think it's important to listen to them and to have conversations with your kids about that stuff. Because again, if you're feeling not okay about it, there's a reason. And I don't think that that's a reason to be reactive. I think it's one to be responsive and very um inquisitive, caring, supportive, and also ready.
SPEAKER_01:So yeah, I've worked with a lot of kids in my nearly two decades of working in schools, and I'll say one thing I've never met a kid that likes to be put on the defensive. And they are quick to feel defensive. And so I think just that giving them the opportunity to say how they feel. Good, bad, however it is. You like it, great. You don't, but managing your reaction as the parent or as the adult, um, let them speak their peace. You don't need to come to a conclusion right then. Let them, you know, feel what it feels like to be able to tell you, you know, and really confide in you and then kind of uh bring you on as a problem solver in in whatever it is. My hunch would be that this child would be like, yeah, it makes me a little uncomfortable, mom. I'm not gonna lie. I don't like it. And then and then you become part of their problem solving team instead of the person, you know, on the other side, if you will, or like, you know, the opposition.
SPEAKER_00:This has been fun.
SPEAKER_01:Um I know. This we got one more. Can we do one more? What's time? Yeah, we got time for one more. Okay, last one. We'll end on this. I do think this one's pretty funny. It says, My mother-in-law rearranged my entire kitchen while I was at work, and I don't know how to react. I'm shaking as I type this because I'm so angry, but also confused about whether I have the right to be angry. She's like, just to give some context, the mom um came over and basically while she was working, rearranged her entire kitchen um without being asked to do so. And this woman's like, you know, when she said something to her husband, he was like, Well, you gotta admit, like it's kind of nice, it's all organized. And she's like, Well, but nothing was wrong with it. Like it was organized the way I liked it. She's like, she moved everything. I couldn't find the salt for my dinner, my coffee routine this morning was a disaster because nothing's where it should be. Um, and so then he accused her of being dramatic, and she said, Well, you're she violated my space, and he's like, You should be grateful somebody cleaned our kitchen. She's like, But here's the thing, it wasn't dirty, it was organized the way I like it, and the way that worked for me in my kitchen. Um, the mother-in-law thinks she did us a huge favor. The husband thinks she's overreacting. Is she losing her mind? My hot take is you're not losing your mind. I get like I would be peeved if somebody came in and rearranged, especially your kitchen. Like the like you need things where you know where they are, especially if you the rat race, right? If you're in the rat race, like you need stuff where it needs to be so that your day can can go smoothly. Um, so yeah, that would pee me. I actually, you know, have had something similar before where my mother-in-law has like, you know, just moved around some furniture back when they used to come stay with us before they moved here. But she would always put it back. It was like a temporary, like she would just move things to where like it fit her or like them while they were staying in the room. Um, and I'm fine with that. Like that never bothered me. But if she had like rearranged my kitchen while I was at work, yeah, I probably would have been a bit uh a little bit upset about that. So no, I don't think this woman's losing her mind. I think it's kind of crazy to rearrange someone's house without their consent.
SPEAKER_00:Correct. I mean the person whose mind has probably been lost, again, not speaking clinically here, but is somebody who thinks it's okay to walk into your house and then just I don't rearrange it to put things in your place. And again, if you're asked to do something, that's different. But if not, that's an intrusion, you know, on your personal space. And I would probably, I mean, have a talk with her about it so that way it doesn't happen again, or I would immediately go back and fix the kitchen the way that I want to. And maybe while she's there, so that way it sends another message to her, like, you know, it's maybe slightly passive aggressive, but also what you did was not okay. And it's not yeah, no way. No, she's okay.
SPEAKER_01:If we've learned if we've learned nothing this season of life, it's that bottling that shit up is not going to serve you. So say something to your mother-in-law, tell her that really pissed you off, that you appreciate that her heart was in the right place, because I'm sure it wasn't done to be, you know, like hurtful in any way. Um, I'm sure it was thinking, you know, like she said, she thinks she's h d did this this huge favor, but maybe just explain your side of it um and be, you know, really open about that. That that's not your love language. Acts of service is not your love language.
SPEAKER_00:Fair. Very fair. Yes. I think that's keep your cleaners at home. Right. Unless you're paid to come in my house and do something. Right. Let's invited. Right. Oh.
SPEAKER_01:This is fun. I I really enjoyed these. I A, I didn't even know that was a thing. So talk about feeling old when Seth's like, why don't you guys answer some Reddit questions? I'm like, oh, what's Reddit? I mean, like, obviously I've seen it before, but like I didn't realize people just like post random questions on there and like the internet answers them. I guess I never really realized that was the purpose of it. But anyway, hope you enjoyed this episode of the Liless Podcast. This was fun for us.
SPEAKER_00:It was. We had some hot takes.
SPEAKER_01:Hot takes. And check us out. Make sure you like, subscribe, share, follow, all the things on social media, Liless Podcast. Catch us at uh lilaspodcast.com and on Instagram at the Liless Podcast. Until next week, y'all. Lilas me out.
