The LYLAS Podcast
If you know what LYLAS stands for, then this podcast is for you! Two besties since middle school turned moms and psychologists dish on "the good, the fun, and the yucks" of life! We're tackling all things mental health, "mom balance" (whatever the hell that is), transitions in life (divorce, career, aging parents, parent loss, loss of friendships), self-care, travel, healthy habits, raising kids, and allllllll the things us midlife mamas are experiencing. We hope each week listeners feel like they just left a good ol' therapy session with their bestie! We'll dish on all the tips and tricks to keep your mental health in check and enjoy this thing called life! Meet your life's newest cheerleaders-- Sarah & Jen! LYLAS!
The LYLAS Podcast
The Generation Sandwich: How to Not Lose Your Mind Caring for Parents and Children
In this engaging conversation, Sarah and Jen explore the complexities of navigating life as middle-aged individuals caring for both aging parents and young children, a phenomenon they refer to as the 'generation sandwich.' They reflect on their own experiences, the challenges of health and family dynamics, and the importance of planning for the future. The discussion also touches on the significance of maintaining health and building support systems within the community to manage the pressures of this life stage.
00:00
Revisiting the Past: A Nostalgic Reflection
00:58
The Generation Sandwich: Balancing Care for Parents and Children
02:47
Navigating Aging: Health, Family Dynamics, and Future Planning
07:52
The Sandwich of Life: Managing Multiple Generations
11:47
Conversations About the Future: Planning for Aging Parents
15:28
Investing in Health: Preparing for the Future
17:39
Building Support Systems: The Importance of Community
Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com
it's funny because I don't think of us as being like any older than we were 25 years ago you know, but, given that our reunion's about to be upon us in a couple weeks, I'm going through all these pictures and I'm like gosh, we look so young. There's definitely a difference, isn't it kind of wild, though, how, like in your mind, you're like well, we don't really look that different, and then, you're like, I just showed you that picture of us and I'm like we look so different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, here, I'll pop the picture up if you're on YouTube. This is Sarah and I.
Speaker 2:I'll even put our other friend's face out, just because she didn't consent to this.
Speaker 1:Oh wow that is 100% up to no good.
Speaker 2:I solemnly swear, I'm up to no good Babies, honey. Well, speaking of babies and generations, now nice segue to today's topic, and I think I really like the title of this. I'd never actually heard it till you said it, and then I thought about it and I was like, well, that's exactly what's happening. So we're talking about the generation sandwich. So what a generation sandwich is is basically us, as middle-aged folks, caring for, or potentially caring for, both our parents and our kids at the same time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have a lot of friends that fall in this category, but I wouldn't put myself in that, so I guess that's as morbid as that sounds. One of the benefits of having a parent pass away young is like you don't go through that portion of it Like up to this point. You know my mom still works full time and there's really no benefit to your parent passing early. But I definitely have friends that are in this category. They've got young kids and they really are trying to be caretakers to their parents. It's definitely a conversation that's happening amongst my friend groups.
Speaker 2:I don't know about you, our minds, because you know, again, my parents are pretty spry. You know I have them all still Jan's always on the case, you know, kind of a thing. But I do think about like later on, like what is that going to kind of look like for our lives and you know what kind of goals that we have as we're doing our own kind of like future planning, and I know that so many of our friends have pretty young kids in our, in our forties. You know, 10 years from now our parents are going to be in their seventies, mid seventies. You know, as you were kind of saying, we don't see ourselves as like aging or like I just see like my parents as a way that they've always looked like in my head.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well right. And then I think that my mom has always looked the same as she looks now, and I know that's not the case if I look back at pictures. But we just don't have that kind of perspective.
Speaker 1:Yeah right, because you see it happen like so slowly over time. But yeah, go back and look at pictures like this deep dive, looking for pictures of us when we graduated. I've looked at so many pictures as a result of it and I just it has really made me realize how much time has passed and it's kind of wild, right. I mean this is, I guess this is the whole like midlife crisis. You think about all the pressure you're kind of under at this point in life and I mean I don't know about you, sarah, but like I feel like the perimenopause symptoms for me have just amped up here recently.
Speaker 1:So I'm really trying to like rein in, like my diet and exercise and doing all the things that I know make me feel good because I have not been feeling my best self, things that I know make me feel good because I have not been feeling my best self. But it is just like it's a lot. You can sort of see where it comes from. You know you got aging parents, you got kids that need you or that you're. You know you're kids that you're still trying to parent. You probably have some type of career or you're a homemaker and, like you know that's also a difficult job and it just it's a lot for this age.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think that as we notice these changes just within our own selves and our own body and health, but then you know too, it gets more brought to the forefront as our parents are starting to go to the doctor or having, like knee surgeries or, you know, open heart, or just they get diagnosed with cardiovascular disease, and so when those things happen, I think it's important for us to kind of be aware that that just kind of accelerates other biological and cognitive processes and so, like, if somebody has, you know, cardiovascular disease, that's one of the high mark or the precursors for vascular dementia.
Speaker 2:So there's different types of dementia, and if they have, like high blood pressure, again cardiovascular disease, cholesterol, all of those things that affect that kind of circulatory kind of system make them more susceptible to developing you know, decision-making. Or whenever we get frustrated, you know like even with about simple things with them, or just kind of get confused as to why there might not be something that's happening whenever it used to be. And so I think just having all of those kind of you know points of mindfulness into this can really help us now and then help us later in being prepared, because 10 years from now, you know, that's a lot of change on an aging body, as we've seen and kind of experienced, but that just gets magnified the older that we get. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't know that we are ourselves prepared for that, like in a different role of a caretaker or if you're in more of like a supportive role, maybe you're not really a caretaker but you're a support person because they're equally, in my opinion, important right To have somebody that they can talk to and like just company is so important. I think having people around and so it is it's a shift.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think later, you know, we're at a point in our lives too where we're doing our own like future planning as a couple, and so with that we're thinking like you know, ages of retirement, are we going to move, are we going to stay here? And then again it's like, okay, well, we want to continue to live and have like our life and to do, you know, our goals and things like that. And that kind of brings me to the secondary kind of sandwich. That can happen too is, you know, I have the older son right Engaged wedding two years out at some point because it's talked about, these kids are going to have kids. And so now here's this other little layer to a sandwich. Whenever your kid has kids, you're still raising a kid, and now you have your aging parents on this end. So I don't know that that's a sandwich as so much of a mess. That just sounds like nachos on a plate right when it all just kind of gets mixed together.
Speaker 1:That's a lot, and maybe not everybody's in that. Maybe there are a lot of people that are going to be in that situation too. You know, like I don't think I'm going to have grandparents and aging parents, but you had kids young like, or you had Cam young, so like that is a real possibility for you, particularly particularly had never thought about that. The first part of the sandwich about you know, just like how that, like your family's decisions, and like that really hits home.
Speaker 1:That's a conversation that we have a lot in this house. And you know I've told you I don't know if I've said it on this podcast if it was up to my husband, we would already live in a different state. But you know, I'd like to be also in driving distance to my mother, and we have, you know, sure, we have a really great network of friends where we live and a community that we adore, and so, like all of those things play a part in that. But a big piece of it for us is the fact that my mom is, you know, seven hours away, or at least that's a huge piece of it for me.
Speaker 1:So it's a conversation we have all the time and it does change, you know, seven hours away, or at least that's a huge piece of it for me. So it's a conversation we have all the time and it does change. You know, it goes into part of the decision making process and I think I'm sure that there's a lot of people having the same conversation. We can't be the only ones that you know are making these types of decisions.
Speaker 2:And then having continued like conversations with our partners about the inevitable things that could come up. Not that you need to have a plan in place, but that just to have a discussion about something that can be helpful. Yeah, yeah or yeah.
Speaker 2:Making yeah, making sure that you have similar goals, because right now, our goals are like a eight year kind of plan that we're going to have to start to put into place in like two to three years and able to make it kind of work, and so we really need to make sure that we're going to have X, y and Z all lined out. And that does include having discussions about you know what I mean what your parents are going to be doing or where they're going to be. Again, I think it's just a discussion, not that it's going to change anything but I never know what's actually going to play out Like.
Speaker 1:There's so many different factors, so many different things. We have a dear friend, you know, spending a lot of time with a parent right now that's going through a terminal cancer. You know, like you never know what until you're in the situation what's going to be required or that you're going to want to do not even required, but just like where you're going to want help.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or I've been this kind of a thing I don't know if anybody else is, but it's happened a few times Like my parents will be talking about, like what they want to do, like future wise, and I'm sitting here like not that this is judgmental, it's like a WTF. You know what I mean. Like what, like, what are we thinking here? Like are we, which is fun? And so I'm, yeah, I'm like you go, do you, because this is your life and I want you to go and do what you want to do too in this. And also I'm going to do mine.
Speaker 2:And you know, if something happens, then ultimately I can't control it. So if I'm in Croatia or in, you know, california I don't know anywhere is it going to change the outcome of what's happening? It will not, and whether that's my kids or my parents or anybody, I don't have that kind of power and control over the world. God knows what I would do with it if I did. But that's where I just find peace and knowing that, I think we all just have to have our own path and plan. And if Jay, go out and do it and, you know, have fun. If my dad wants to move three hours away up a holler. Okay, but it's hard to use my internet whenever you're three because he comes over. He lives in Milton, comes over all the time.
Speaker 1:I was just listening to something the other day that was talking about like your people comes down to where they are like spatially to you, right, the people that like our neighbors, you know, like the people that you interact with on a regular basis, are kind of like your nucleus, right, and that's, you know, I think a lot about, like my mom and her. Sure she could retire, but like a lot of her work, friends and those relationships are like her nucleus and like I would never want to take her out of that, at least not right now, cause she really does seem to thrive, she's like living her best life and she deserves that Um, but you know, I do think that she Um. But you know, I do think that she um. Of course I would love to have like her closer and just wish that like as she gets older.
Speaker 1:Of course you could, I could spend more time with her, because you do realize like your time's limited and you're like selfishly, of course I want her to retire and move down here and like hang out with me and my kids, but that is, you know, is that what's best for her or is that what I want, you know? So, like I have a lot of those types of internal conversations Like how much do I push things right? I'm like I just for now I'll let it be, but at some point, like you're also like, well, I would love to have the opportunity to spend time with you when you feel good. You don't want it to be because it's there, because they're sick, like you're forced to. You know what I mean. You want to actually like do things and spend time together and when they feel good and they want to do things, and so yeah, I'm so fortunate.
Speaker 1:My mom makes a real effort. You know, like I added, in like a month she will have driven down here three times, like you know, in like five weeks, three times in like five weeks. I'm like Barb but she does it right Road warrior has burned up I 77.
Speaker 2:No, I think that's true and I think that for me, one thing that, in keeping in mind what I see my parents kind of going through at their age and knowing where my next sandwich is maybe going to come, like I want to be able to. Like, Rachel wants to learn how to do a cartwheel. I can still do cartwheels. I can still do a back handspring.
Speaker 1:So I want to be able to stay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want to be able to stay and do those things with the kids. I want to be able to stay and do those things with the kids and our good friend Lacey Davidson Ferguson, who was on the podcast back in season four, last two episodes holistic provider check them out if you haven't heard it, but she really posts a lot and I really believe it that the person, that effort that you put in today into your life, into your health, is going to dictate who you're going to be, not just tomorrow, not just for, you know, summer body or whatever, but that's going to be what you invest in five years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now. And so that is really resonating with me because you know, if Cameron and Brooke do decide to have babies and they're here, I don't want to be a grandparent sitting on the couch, not able to play with them. I mean, I understand there are grandparents in that situation, but so much of that is behavioral decisions, hard truth, hot take. Whatever.
Speaker 2:It is what it is and I don't want to be in that position. I want to be able to play on the floor. You know what I mean, rachel, at 10, I'm very thankful that I'm still able to do the things that I was able to do then, but it's because I've put the effort into maintaining those. Not even I don't do I care that I can do that stuff no, did I ever think it would matter at 43? No, but am I glad that I can and it does? Yes, you know.
Speaker 1:I do wonder, though, because I'm like similar to you, like I have been working out since I was, you know, my teens. I'm like I can't imagine if I hadn't. Yeah, I can tell a difference at 43. I'm not I'll be 43, what two weeks? But like I can tell a difference in my body at 43. So don't you wonder, like, yeah, I do think that if we had not been taking care of ourselves, that we would feel differently at this age. I don't think it has to be 53 or 63 or 73 to feel it. I think you can start you feel it creeping in for sure to feel it. I think you can start you feel it creeping in for sure. So I do wonder, like you know, I'm like it's part of the reason, like that same thing, that's like what motivates me. I'm like I just don't want to feel bad, I don't want to hurt, that's what I always hear older people say you know, like I just hurt and I'm like I don't want to hurt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like it, yeah, I'll hurt now, but do it to myself, right, Right, right.
Speaker 2:Make the sportness myself Right, and I think for me it's like again, the only emotion that I could never help people with, or even myself with, is regret.
Speaker 2:Even myself with is regret, and so I don't want to make a set of decisions now that it's going to be putting me in a position where I'm going to regret that I did not do something you know, and yeah so I just really am aware of that and invest, you know, my time in doing this stuff today, because I do believe it's going to pay off tomorrow, Now, again good cancers or a stroke or, you know, diabetes, whatever Could it impede upon those things?
Speaker 1:Sure, but it will not be the behavioral choices I'm making now. There's a difference between your 60s and your 70s. There's a difference between your 30s and your 40s and your 20s and your 30s. You know like your physical capabilities change over time and just have to, like I do, you know, be lying if I said I don't worry, especially if we're out of the country, or something like that. Like if something happened, would my kids know what to do? You know, like you, but hell, that can happen to anybody. That can happen to a 50 year. Know like you, but hell, that can happen to anybody. That can happen to a 50-year-old. You know outside mowing the grass or whatever. So can't think of it that way. But I do feel lucky to still have my mom and my in-laws that are so active and can be so helpful with young children, because I need them.
Speaker 2:I know Jen's got the support system of an army I do have quite a support.
Speaker 1:You know we have tribes that's what I was trying to think of tribes Like, who are your tribes? And you have different ones for different things. So that's all I got. I'm tapped out. It's Friday.
Speaker 2:That's it. It's Friday. Be sure to follow us on all of our social media. We've been posting tons of stuff on there Our website, we're on YouTube, tiktok, instagram, facebook Probably something else All the podcast platforms. Be sure to listen. Share, have these discussions. Yeah, share this one with your parents. See what they think. We'll hear about it from ours right y'all.
Speaker 1:Until next week, y'all lilas.
