The LYLAS Podcast
If you know what LYLAS stands for, then this podcast is for you! Two besties since middle school turned moms and psychologists dish on "the good, the fun, and the yucks" of life! We're tackling all things mental health, "mom balance" (whatever the hell that is), transitions in life (divorce, career, aging parents, parent loss, loss of friendships), self-care, travel, healthy habits, raising kids, and allllllll the things us midlife mamas are experiencing. We hope each week listeners feel like they just left a good ol' therapy session with their bestie! We'll dish on all the tips and tricks to keep your mental health in check and enjoy this thing called life! Meet your life's newest cheerleaders-- Sarah & Jen! LYLAS!
The LYLAS Podcast
The Delicate Art of Cutting the Cord: Preparing Teens for Independence with Special Guest Cameron Jarvis
The moment arrives for every parent – watching your child transform from dependent teenager to independent adult. In this heartfelt conversation, we're joined by a special guest who offers a unique perspective on this pivotal transition from the young adult side of the equation.
Cameron, a college student preparing for graduation and engaged to be married, shares candid insights about what truly helped him navigate the journey to independence. Rather than focusing on the moment of separation, he emphasizes how his successful transition resulted from years of gradual preparation – parents who allowed increasing autonomy while maintaining a reliable safety net of support.
The conversation explores that delicate balance every parent struggles to find: providing enough freedom for growth while ensuring your child knows you're available when truly needed. As Cameron explains, knowing he was unconditionally supported gave him confidence to solve problems independently, navigate uncomfortable situations, and discover his authentic self away from home.
For parents approaching this milestone, our discussion offers practical guidance on preparing teenagers for independence long before move-in day. We address the importance of transferring responsibility for everyday tasks, communicating expectations clearly, and acknowledging the emotional challenges parents face when their caretaking role fundamentally changes.
Perhaps most reassuringly, we discuss how the parent-child relationship doesn't end but evolves into something potentially more rewarding – an adult friendship built on mutual respect. As one parent reflects, "To have an adult relationship with your kid is probably the greatest thing I didn't expect to happen."
Whether you're years away from this transition or facing it imminently, this episode provides valuable perspective for nurturing independence while maintaining meaningful connection. Join us to discover how letting go might just be your greatest parenting achievement.
Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com
special guest star today. Sarah, do you want to do his introduction, since you probably know him better than anybody?
Speaker 2:well, absolutely. Uh. Well, sitting right here beside me is none other than Cameron, who you guys have heard about. If you have listened to the podcast, you've heard about his brag about him, his achievements, his accomplishments, just how fun and great of a person he is. So happy that he's my boy. Look at us, we're twinsies, aren't we?
Speaker 2:But it's really cool that he was willing to come on and talk about today's topic.
Speaker 2:So I told him to be 100% honest, to give it to us real, because so many parents right now are finding themselves in a position where they are going to be sending their high school graduates out of the house, whether that means to a college, community college, maybe, not even to go to any other type of workplace, but just to be out of the house. And so what we want to kind of get some feedback and talk about is what maybe and you can again be honest and truthful with us on this like, what kind of things would you tell other parents would be helpful for kids in your position or back whenever you were in that position to know about life? Like, where are we like hitting the mark and doing things good, and where are we kind of dropping the balls and leaving you guys floundering. Now, we're always going to drop some balls, but what types of things do you think would have been? What were, what was beneficial and what was um could have been improved, I guess.
Speaker 3:Well, for me it was great. But I don't think it begins sort of at that point when you make the decision. I think this is a culmination of years of preparing a child or watching them blossom into a young adult and then transition into a point where they start to make their own decisions. So I had a wide bit of independence growing up and having that ability to make my own decisions kind of made it a little bit easier to transition into a world where I wasn't tethered to mom and dad and you know, and so I had a really great foundation for that. You know, the biggest things that helped me was I number one. I knew I was supported. That's a big thing, you know.
Speaker 3:Anytime that I needed to have a discussion or was felt uncomfortable or didn't like the environment that I was in, I knew I was supported. But I was also, you know, met with the expectation that I need to find solutions. You know, if there's an issue that is coming at me and in this world, it's not up to me just to turn around and go ask somebody else to fix it, you know, because you're not always going to have somebody that you can go back and look at and say, hey, come do this for me. You know it's not, it's not, it's not a reality. So that was really really nice. And then, you know, I had, I had ability to do things. So I'd always been put into different environments that were uncomfortable maybe at first, but it had sort of put me in the right direction to be successful. And so to the parents that are in that situation, you know, I would hope that they have done something similar through the years and cultivating their child who's now becoming an adult.
Speaker 3:It's an awkward transitionary you know point. You know these people, they don't know who they are yet. It's an awkward transitionary point. These people, they don't know who they are yet you send them into. If you're going to college, you send them to a wide variety of people in a domain that can feel inclusive but you still can feel secular on an island, and so there's a lot of emotions and a lot of things that come at you. But if you have good friends, if you have a partner in life that can make it easier on that transition, like I did, then it's not that bad. Then it becomes sort of like a game where you're just trying to figure out the quickest or the best or the most effective strategy to get through it, how you want to get through it and get what you want out of it?
Speaker 1:Gosh why is Beyond his years. It feels like forever before I'll be sending my kids off to college and I know it won't be that long because I have a 10-year-old. So we're on the downward slope at this point. But I do have a niece that is graduating in a couple of weeks and I talked to my brother the other day and he's nervous because she's going away to school and he's like I just want to make sure it's, you know, the right place for her so that she can thrive.
Speaker 1:And yeah, I just it reminded me that I think that of life or like really find myself in some ways of what I'm capable of. Or, you know, I never really thought about it from my parents' perspective. You know, if that was difficult for them to move me 500 miles away and say good luck, but kind of like you, cam, I always knew that I could come home if things went awry or that if I needed somebody, that they'd show up in eight hours when they could get to me. So you know, I think that support system is just like the best thing that we can give our kids and knowing that if it's a total crash and burn, like we're always here, you can always come home. You don't have to stay in a situation where you're unhappy. However.
Speaker 1:I did try to come home after the first semester and my mom said no.
Speaker 2:Like we're not calling him up and begging him to like come to the house because we want him to have his own autonomy and ability to kind of like you've kind of said like find your own type of way. So it's almost like a three-step process and I even think whenever he was a little kid and there would be like problems at school or whatever I would it was, you can work it out with your friends, you could tell the teacher and the principal and then if those two things don't work, the big cat's going to come in, and he didn't want the big cat coming in.
Speaker 3:Nobody did. That was not good for anyone.
Speaker 2:But I think that you know again that kind of me showing him, hey, I've got your back, no matter what, but let's try to kind of problem solve. All of this stuff really allowed him to kind of have that space as to how to figure things out. But to also know that you know we have this cute little picture of a lioness with her little cub and the cub looks real cute but the lioness is ready to pounce like in a second and he always knew that if he needed that then that was going to be able to happen. You know, at times it might've been a little over the top, but it got the job done things started to happen.
Speaker 2:Right right Problems were solved, but I think that that allowed him the flexibility and the reassurance that he can do things, he can work problems, and he knows that if there's something else, then we're here to have his back on that too.
Speaker 1:It's important for kids to go away from home. It might not be the right situation for all kids from home, like it may not be, it might not be the right situation for all kids, but I think for most kids to get away and and have to figure things out on your own, you know, I can remember, you know needing like a dental filling or something like, and I had to like find a dentist and like figure out, okay, like getting the insurance, like all the things that I had never done before, and just like something as simple of that. I remember it like flustering me, but then like figuring it out, and then that like sense of accomplishment of like, oh, okay, like I can do this, I can figure out these little hiccups that come. But if you stay at home and you don't ever, you know, go and I'm not talking, you have to go eight hours away, but like an hour away, however far, you don't ever have to figure out things like that on your own.
Speaker 1:I feel like, um, maybe you're not as prepared when you hit, like truly your adulthood, because there is something to be said for, like I couldn't just call my mom and she would call my dentist, you know, and make the appointment for me. Like it was like no, no, this was on me and I had to figure this out and, um, you know, even having to like figure out travel arrangements and how I was going to get home and you know little things that, uh, that required a little bit of problem solving without my parents figuring it all out. Um, I just I think that's important for most kids to experience not all kids, cause I do think that you know, for some kids, in certain situations, like everything has a context and you have to, you have to do what's best in your context. But I do think that a lot of kids could benefit from that, that experience of like just kind of sending them out and figure it out. You know, good luck, we're here if you need us.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's something cool about making your own day. You know luck. We're here if you need us. Yeah, yeah, I mean it. There's something cool about making your own day. You know, and what it takes a long time for people to realize that that's what they get to do. You know, whenever you go somewhere, it's you're at a university that you know you.
Speaker 3:You, yeah, you have a schedule, but you are you going to do it, you know, and you have to get up, you have to do it. You have to make time for things. You have to. You have to learn the content, but also learn yourself and your time management skills and what you want to do, what you want to get out of the experiences while you're there, socially and academically. So there's a whole host of abilities that get thrown on or capabilities that you have to just figure your way through if you want to do it. And then some people find that they don't like it and then they transition into other things and it's just a part of growth and finding what you want to do. But it's a really, really cool time. It's interesting because so many people change from the sort of identities that they had whenever they were younger, into these cooler more. You know it's still not, it's the same person, but they have new things to them and it's cool that they've able to open themselves up into those experiences.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and from a parental side that means that it's like a relinquishing of control. So if you're a control-based kind of parent, you probably need to start to loosen up those reins before the kid turns 18. Like, let's start to practice this a lot sooner because they need to have that again, practice time to not be controlled or monitored or checked on, you know, and you need to have that kind of space and time as a parent too. And then having like open and honest conversations with your kid I think is also pretty key, because you know we always want them to stay safe or to have a good time, this, that and the other.
Speaker 2:But you know his fiance is graduating from college and I'm like, well, we'll our graduation present, we will get you a hotel room in downtown Huntington so you guys can go out and have fun. And that really alleviates, you know, concern for me because there ain't no Ubers in Huntington, west Virginia, okay, so especially to take you about 25 minutes down the road. So that's not happening. And also us being independent, me and Jeff aren't coming out to get your ass unless it's 100%, you know, if we're talking hospital fight, big time, bad time stuff, yes, but if he was two hours away, we wouldn't be able to do it. We're not making exceptions because you're 20 minutes down the road, so let's problem solve this in a different way. Here's a hotel, a fun place for you guys to stay, have a great night, and there you go. So I think that those are important parts of a relationship to kind of have too.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, I think there's some codependence amongst us and kids. You know, like I think there's always that tendency. And so that's what I mean when it's hard for parents to sort of let their kids go at the end of 18 years to say okay, of let their kids go at the end of 18 years to say okay, because we have been able to control so much up to that point, and then all of a sudden you realize you have no control and that you really are putting them out there to make good, bad decisions, you know, whatever, because all decisions you're going to learn from them, good or bad in most cases. And so I think just that, um, that's what I mean when I say it's hard for a lot of parents because we are so dependent on our kids for the things that we need, right, like that, that attention, that love, like that, that relationship.
Speaker 1:Um, I was one of those kids that called my mom at least once a day, even in college. I still do most days. And so, you know, I think it's I'm sure it's different for everybody, but you know, that relationship wasn't ever strained. It just, you know she became. You know the person I called instead of the person I ran to when I got home from school. You know, it was just it, just it changes in some ways, but if you're lucky enough to have a parent that's super supportive and, you know, ready to answer your call, you know Barb would have drove eight hours if I needed a ride home, if I ended up in some situation I didn't need to be in. She would have been there as quickly as she could have.
Speaker 1:So I think it just it's one of those things. It's a tough transition, you know, certainly not looking forward to it, but I have a lot of empathy. Seems like we have a lot of people we went to high school with. I mean, we're 25 years out at this point. They have kids that are graduating high school this year seeing lots of that on social media and so certainly something that a lot of people are going through. It's not me, because I waited forever to have kids and, you know, be a granny at their graduation, but you know it is something that people are going through right now. I can't imagine the idea of having to send my kids somewhere at this point.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I guess for everybody it's different. I think and I've said this before for me, and I think you've known this I've always wanted you to get big, like I was never a parent that wanted like to hold on to those like baby years or toddler years or like those kinds of years. I've always like I can't wait till you get big because we're going to have so much fun Like to see who he is. And he was always fun and it was always great. But to be able to like have an adult relationship with your kid is probably the greatest thing that I didn't expect to have happen. Like last year it was Mother's Day weekend and the two of us went out to snowshoe together. I still tell everybody I was like that was one of the best weekends of my entire life and I was running a race. So I wasn't even with him. Like what 11 hours, maybe longer than that, I wasn't even with him. Nothing, I mean I didn't even know where he was at. He was in bear country out there fishing and golfing like literal bear country, no cell service and no one could get a hold of me for sure. But it was just so fun because it was the two of us. We were able to like sit at a restaurant, have some drinks. It was absolutely one of the best weekends of my entire life, like to this day, if not the best, because it was just such a cool and unique experience. It was the first time we ever did it.
Speaker 2:I think I mentioned on one of our other episodes from season five. I was like I feel like this summer whenever we get to take him and his fiance to big E Europe, like for me as a parent, I feel like that I've now given him everything that I can in this world, like I have I've shown he knows how to live with a disease that's uncurable, that we both share, that's worked out well and there's other life experiences that he's had, whether it be losses, deaths, divorces, transitions in life. But for me to be able to share like this aspect of the world with him in life, but for me to be able to share like this aspect of the world with him, like if I were to think about, like my mental kind of like registers, things that I want to be sure to do as a parent if I died after that trip, I feel like I have done literally everything to now show him everything about this world and I would. I mean, that's just it for me, every parent may have their own thing, but for me, like being able to show him things and for him to have the mind and the openness and just wisdom to take it and make it his own.
Speaker 2:I can't. What else can I ask for? There's nothing. Yeah, I think that's.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's fair. I just not everybody's able to do things like that right.
Speaker 1:I think that's hard for some people to relate to too, because, you know, a lot of us cherish these childhood years and they're only there once and the majority of their life. You know, god willing, if we all live, they'll be adults and we'll get to have those kinds of experiences with them. But when they're little, there is something special about like seeing the world through a kid's eyes and, um, you know, I think a lot of parents feel like that's such cherished time and it's hard to let go of it because you know you can't get it back.
Speaker 1:Right, you know you can. You can watch them grow old, you can watch them become a parent. Every stage is exciting. You can watch them get married, all the things. But, um, when they're little, there is something really, you know, just magical about that, and I think that's hard for us to let go of and realize that like once it's gone, it's gone and uh, I don't know. We're so different in that way, which is why we have two different perspectives.
Speaker 1:I do look forward to the day that I can do those types of things with my kids, but also I don't want to rush them here. I don't want to rush through these early formative years, because watching who they're becoming now is, you know, equally as special and it's all. It's all special. I think it's just acknowledging what your favorite parts are, just like you do. You have no problems about saying like hey, didn't love it, and that's OK too.
Speaker 2:That's yeah, and it wasn't because, I mean again, he was perfect. There was nothing about any of that that was bad or wrong or difficult or a challenge, but I just me as knowing myself, I just knew that this was going to be like. It's going to be really really cool and unique, and everything that happened as a result of him being a kid has helped him to get to this kind of point.
Speaker 3:So yeah, it's fun Fun times.
Speaker 1:Fun times. And when do you graduate Cam? You've got to be close.
Speaker 3:Yeah, next year I'll for sure be done. I might be done this fall, it just depends. I have several years of athletic eligibility, so I'll be playing golf in college for a little while longer, probably have my grad degree. I'll be the grandpa on the team there you go, be the old man.
Speaker 1:There's nothing wrong with that. You know, my grandpa played for marshall go. Really, I didn't know that. I sure did look it up um yeah, and you're about to get married, right, or? I don't know if you've set a date, but you're engaged.
Speaker 3:It'll probably be. She's starting medical school this summer, so she's going to be real busy, and then I have two years of traveling 14 weeks out of the year. So we'll probably settle on a point whenever I'm finished with athletics and whenever she's got a break in her busy med school schedule so likely around summer of 2027, something like that with athletics and whenever she's got a break in her busy med school schedule so likely around summer of 2027, something like that. Okay, so we got some time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she'll be entering her third year. No rush down the aisle.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, it'll be great, we're excited.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm. Well, congratulations, you are a good kid. I'll forever be amazed that Sarah raised such a good kid.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 1:She's a hot mess express so the fact that you had turned out the way you did. God bless you. And what's it like to be God's favorite? He certainly was looking out for you kid. I give her a hard time about it, but he is, Cam's a great kid, he's got a great fiance and he's doing big things in golf. I'm excited to keep watching. Hopefully one day you're going to get me a ticket to the Masters.
Speaker 3:That'd be great, that'd be nice. Betting on it, kid.
Speaker 1:All right. Better make it happen. Back to work, right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, seriously, I better go hit the driver Back to work.
Speaker 2:That's funny.
Speaker 1:All right Well thanks, cam, we appreciate you being our special guest today. And go forth and do good kid.
Speaker 3:Sounds good. Thank you, love you.
Speaker 2:Love you too. See you later. Go have fun.
Speaker 1:Bye everybody. Big kid, Big kid, you're in the big kid world.
Speaker 3:I're in the big world.
Speaker 1:I'm a small kid so you know it's wild how different things are. Like I can't even fathom the idea of yeah, I can't even think about middle school yet, like, let alone college. Like, oh, I'm just not there. So, whatever season of life you find yourself in, hopefully, if you are sending your your school graduate away, hopefully this was validating and perhaps helpful in getting your mind right, because I will be a hot mess come that day, that's for sure, no doubt about it.
Speaker 2:It's a lot, but I think, as parents, I always conceptualize my job as I'm raising a miniature adult. Like what you've said. They're going to spend 18 years of their life as kids and the rest is going to be adulthood, and the moment they turn 18, that all changes. I mean technically, even from a medical standpoint, with HIPAA and all those laws and things like that. Like your child has got to be able to stand on their own whenever they legally become an adult. Sure, they can come home and you can, whatever help them out and things like that. But being able to do simple tasks. This isn't just about sending them off to college, like with that whole list that comes out, or if you're setting them up an apartment in a different city or state, like making sure they have, like laundry detergent. It's the things that you mentioned. It's making sure that they can schedule a doctor's appointment. How do you go about setting up and getting an electric bill? If you're living in an apartment? How do you do laundry?
Speaker 1:How do you grocery shop? All the like daily mundane routines that we do and if you're like me, you tend to do it for them. They'll get better at letting them share in the responsibility. At some point you do have to cut the cord and say I've done the best I can. Hopefully you learned something along the way. If not, you'll figure it out. We do somehow. Somehow I figured it out. God knows if I can do it. Anybody can do it.
Speaker 2:I didn't. There's that, there's that, there's that. But yeah, it's. There's been a lot of support and help along the way, but I think so much of it, too, just comes down to trusting that you that, trusting your child, you know, or you know your young man to go out there and make good decisions.
Speaker 2:And you know also that trust can be taken away if you're not acting. So there's always expectations, Like we're always, you know, setting goals or having something in place to make sure that you know we're not just going to be handing things out if you're not doing the work.
Speaker 1:Like this is still life, and so it's firm boundaries Great point that, like you have to trust your kid and you know, let them make mistakes. We talk about that a lot. You got a lot of make a mistake and and they'll learn from it and you'll be there to kind of coach them through it, hopefully, if they, if they need that but such an exciting time in life.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't want to go back to that time in life because I'm enjoying life now, but, man, was that fun to feel like you had a fresh take on life, a fresh start. You know, even just learning how to make friends. You know, without having existing friendships, to sort of introduce you to people, I mean, I knew not a single person when I showed up at Coastal Carolina not one. I knew not a single person when I showed up at Coastal Carolina not one. And you know it's up to you to make friends and build relationships and you know, figure that out for yourself. And that's what I mean when I say I think it's important that kids have that experience at some point in life where you've got to figure it out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and they benefit from it. So, even though it might be hard or it might feel like a struggle there might be a lot of like tears or sadness or just even pulls on your own heart, that is still probably going to be a more effective long-term decision to allow them to have that extension than restriction.
Speaker 1:Well, good luck parents. Good luck mom sending your kids away. That's all I got for this week.
Speaker 2:I know We'll see Now we'll put some resources out there because it is a tough transition is becoming like one of those empty nesters and even just from a relationship standpoint, like we have another kid in the house. So it's not like we're true empty nesters. But your relationship with your partner changes. Whenever your children aren't there. It's like you re-meet somebody that maybe you lost touch with or lost space with and now you're reconnecting again. Or your family dynamics, like ours, changed a whole lot whenever Cameron left the house. You know it's all of these different like transitions, and just being aware of all of those pieces I think is and communicating that with your spouse is helpful.
Speaker 1:You're all in this together. That's right. All right y'all. Until next week, lilas out.
