The LYLAS Podcast
The LYLAS Podcast, Re-Release for the Summer, "Chronic Happiness is NOT the Goal"
This is your sign to take "to be happy" off of your goal list... Happiness is a temporary state of being---not a place to live. This is critical when it comes to how we parent. As we mentioned in the first release of this episode, research on our actions may be preventing our children from experiencing needed distress. Yes, needed. Distress is an opportunity to learn coping skills and grow as an individual. Listen to how we, as moms, work to reframe our responses...
#momlife #happinessisnothegoal #thelylaspodcast #psychology #distressisneeded #growth
Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com
This is your sign to take "to be happy" off of your goal list... Happiness is a temporary state of being---not a place to live. This is critical when it comes to how we parent. As we mentioned in the first release of this episode, research on our actions may be preventing our children from experiencing needed distress. Yes, needed. Distress is an opportunity to learn coping skills and grow as an individual. Listen to how we, as moms, work to reframe our responses...
#momlife #happinessisnothegoal #thelylaspodcast #psychology #distressisneeded #growth
Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com
Hello folks, it's Sarah Stevens, once again with the Lylas Podcast coming at you again with another re-release from season two. Man, we must have been super hot this season because there are tons of great topics. If you have not listened to season two of the Lylas Podcast, take some time on your drives, while sitting on the beach, by sitting by a river or just by chilling out in your house with a nice cold one perhaps, and check out season two of the Lylas Podcast. One of my other favorites is coming your way.
Speaker 1:It is chronic happiness is not the goal. Maybe I should say that one more time for those in the back Chronic happiness is not the goal, not a possibility, not realistic. So what is and how do we reframe our thoughts, our feelings and even how we approach our kids' lives? Listen into the Lilaas podcast for tips and tricks on this one as well and, as always, be sure to follow us on all social media accounts, leave comments, likes and subscribes and give us some thoughts on what you think about chronic happiness not being the goal, as well as other topics that you may want us to hit on for season four coming your way in 2024.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Lylas. If you grew up in the 90s, you probably know what that stands for, but if not, we love you like a sis sis. So welcome to. I'm not even sure what episode this is episode you know better than I do I think that overall, yeah, well, sort of, I think that it's still a number.
Speaker 1:Overall, I think it's episode 32, so that would put us at season 2, episode 12 or 13.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a long 12 or 13 and I wonder if we should have just like kept it going instead of restarting it at season two you know episode one, if we should have just kept counting the episode so that we can keep track, because I think both of us have a goal of making it to 100, like we were. Yeah, could you imagine if we actually recorded 100 legitimate episodes and publish them? So I don't know, I'll do a head count today and see.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if you're listening, give us a shout out on our social media and tell us what you think too. Do you prefer to have it broken down into seasons or total numbers, so we'll get some viewer feedback on this one too Always good, take a poll, take a poll.
Speaker 2:So today's episode may be an unpopular opinion for some, I don't know. I'm actually excited to talk to you about this because I feel like we're probably aligned on some things, but maybe have some different perspectives on another, on other other things. So this podcast is about allowing children to experience hardships or difficulties or just experience a range of emotions in life. So we're going to chat about some of that and what we've observed over the years. Sarah has a grown child. She's now parenting a young child again, so she's getting around to it.
Speaker 2:I'm parenting two young kids at the at this time, but I've worked with kids for the last 16 years and parents for the last 16 years, so I have I feel like I have a lot to say about this, but you do too, because you've also experienced this for the last 20 years roughly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, something like that. And then in my practice I would see adolescents as well, and so I worked within a juvenile research or level facility that for a period of time too, and so those kids had some you know different things that were kind of going on as a part of it. But hopefully you guys have seen or heard about this article, because it is all over different forms of social media. I've come across it several times on my Apple News feed, which is where I get a lot of different things. Again, remember, I'm just going for quick bits of information here, folks, and the one that we're going to reference and the one that's going to be on our website is from the Huffington post, and so if you're interested in really reading this, not just hearing like our oral summary of all of it, again check out the link on our website because it'll really go over this stuff pretty in depth.
Speaker 1:Um, but yeah, I just there's this whole idea and concept that I guess has started with. Maybe our parenting generation is what the kind of research is showing that we are just taking so much responsibility for our child's happiness and feeling like they should always be happy and have this happy childhood and happy experiences, because the world's such a bad place and so we've got to make sure they're happy, happy, happy, you know, and that's just not healthy. Is is, I think, the fairest thing to kind of say, because that's not reflective of life in its greater sense. And you know, to the article's point too. It says that if we are always focused on happiness, essentially, then we never learn how to cope with distressing situations or emotions. And that is a hundred. Then my opinion. I'm going to take an opinion and now turn it to fact. That is fact from what I've seen.
Speaker 2:So I think the research also supports the fact that kids are reporting higher levels of depression. Kids are reporting more suicidal ideation than they were 20 years ago. It could be that people didn't report those things or they weren't taking those measures, but ultimately they're seeing a growth. You know, I think that article referenced like 30 percent of kids in 2020 had some suicidal ideation, and so we have to take that obviously very seriously, considering ending their life because of distressing emotions that they're experiencing, and so I think that's really where the focus comes into how does this affect our kids? It's great for kids to have a wonderful childhood right, that's what we're all trying to give our kids, but we need to also teach them. You know how to put habits or practices in place to have healthy mental wellness.
Speaker 2:You know we really focus on their physical fitness a lot of the times, but we don't think about their mental fitness, right? I know that I didn't, and so you know, when we were kind of talking about this, when we first got on here, you were like when I was a parent, you know, I'd like my experience these things and I well I understand that and I get that, I think, for the way that I could relate to this article.
Speaker 2:I'm going through some of the stuff and I'm like I'm definitely guilty of some of these things we're going to talk about today, because I think we all want to give our kids a better childhood than we had, and if you experienced any kind of trauma in your childhood or you know just any kind of real hardships, you don't want that for your kid. You don't want them to have to go through something so significant that it's going to later potentially impact their mental health as they get older. You're going to have to work on for a long time, and so I think for me, that's where a lot of it comes from, but I would like to think that I've made a lot of progress in the last few years in that I am trying to let them experience things that are difficult or hard or just like that range of emotions, and not try to fix it all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that that's the key point. And before we go like too deep into this whole conversation, because I can imagine some people sitting back and thinking well, you know, there's been social media and there's been COVID, so this is the reason for the increase in these things. That's not true. Even I don't know if you remember this or not, but even whenever we were in high school, like plus 20 years ago, there were these surveys that we had to take that were about our behaviors and our thoughts and emotions, like are we smoking, are we drinking or whatever else. And then you know, the government or agencies, in order to be able to get grants to help to support mental health treatment, always have to report their numbers and their demographics of people seeking help. And so, again, this is kind of like a longitudinal thing that we've been able to see this huge up crease in mental health distress for children and adolescents. And yes, here's point one we did see a spike in this whenever social media started to come out and everything became very pervasive. So that was already accounted for whenever we're talking about this article and the opinions of some of the professionals they consulted with.
Speaker 1:And the second thing was did COVID make anything better? No, it did not. But again the issue is is that this whole idea of us assuming responsibility for our child's happiness was starting to increase before these things were prevalent within our society? And since then, our focus to fix the problems of social media or to fix the problems that have emerged from COVID again maybe subconsciously or whatever put more pressure on maybe us as parents or society people to sit there and think well, they're going through so much on social media, they've already went through so much on COVID, like I just got to. You know again, kind of I don't want them to have to deal with this too. I don't want them to have to kind of cope with these emotions as well, because so much of this other stuff has sucked pretty bad. And now if I can try to control their happiness or their responses or what they experience in life, then I can at least make this part better, and that's actually the part that makes it worse.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I, I totally agree. I've talked to some parents this week that you know, sometimes it's particularly relating to their academics. Obviously. That's typically when I get involved and parents will say, well, I just don't want it to become a problem. You know, I'm kind of like reviewing the data and I'm like, well, they're doing well.
Speaker 2:Or they're like, I know, but I just don't want them to have a like, a learning disability, and I don't want it to come. You know, obvious, become obvious in a couple of years, and and so they're like. You know, the phrase I hear all the time is I want to get on the front end of this.
Speaker 2:So a lot of the conversations I have are about, you know, kids, we all have strengths and weaknesses, and it's okay not to be great at everything that you try and everything that you do. You're going to be not good at some things. I are not good at math, it is what it is. There's lots of things that I'm not good at personally, and and so that's okay. You, you really want to focus on what are they good at.
Speaker 2:You've probably seen that meme that's been on a lot of social media at least I've seen it now several times but it's um, it's like if your kid has a C in math and ha is has a natural talent for tennis, hire a tennis coach and not a math tutor.
Speaker 2:And I think that's so powerful for us to remember that really focusing on someone's strengths versus their weaknesses is really what we should be doing, because the weakness I mean sure you can try to support them in that way, but really focusing on what they're good at is what's going to make them feel good about themselves, right, and that's where true happiness comes from when you truly love who you are, for all your faults, all the things, and can experience that, that real joy in knowing who you are and being okay with that, and so that one has really resonated with me recently, because I think that there's a lot of things in that article that resonated actually, and just that, how we don't allow kids to learn how to cope with any kind of negative emotions at you know, we want to take it away from them, like you're saying, so that they don't actually have to learn how to cope, and then they're going to become adults and you're not going to be able to take away all of the negative things that are going to happen to them in life, and so how are they then supposed to learn to cope in a healthy way?
Speaker 2:You know it's probably going to turn to unhealthy habits as a way to cope. You know, to cope, they're going to be drinking a bottle of wine at night. They're going to.
Speaker 2:you know, whatever it is, they're going to turn to something else that makes them feel good inside. And so, you know, I know we're going to break it down and kind of talk about each one of the examples that it gives of things that you can do. But I think, just starting with normalizing the fact that there's a range of emotions that humans feel and that that's okay, you know, it's okay to feel all those things.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely, it's not, it's okay, it's fine, it's normal, and in fact you should. But I think that there's caution. As I was, um, we talked we'd send a text. You know, about 45 minutes before we jumped online what are we going to be talking about? And so I got it while I was running, and so then, right, and so while I'm running, I'm like, okay, well, what are the things that are that are kind of stand out to me in this point, or what am I really feeling hard, you know, kind of core about?
Speaker 1:And it was some of the, again, the things that we're going to talk about, but it's. It comes down to, I guess, the idea of distress tolerance is learning how to experience some level of distress and knowing it's okay, but also not saying, like certain phrases or words and you know, on this podcast, I'm pretty sensitive to those things at times and like, if you say that this is just a life lesson or that this is going to be a great learning experience, anytime somebody says that to me, I want to kill you, like I am practicing a lot of personal self-restraint and not, you know, throat punching you at this kind of point in time, right, um, and even though there's truth in that statement, no one wants to hear that when they're going through it hell no, and so I would just also be mindful that you can validate somebody's emotions without also kind of putting into the play.
Speaker 1:Well, this is just one of those things you have to go through. This is, you know, there's different ways to kind of to say that you know what it sucks really bad right now, and we're just going to have to kind of work through this. So what are some ideas that you have as to how you want to kind of work through this situation? Then I'm not solving the problem and, at the end of the day, as a parent, even whenever I was a psychologist- I still are, you just don't have a practice.
Speaker 1:I still have a license at this point, um, and a degree, whatever, um, but I do not want to be the solution to your problem, because then that creates a cycle of dependency. And I also don't want to be the person that you come to to answer your problems, because then again it's not coming organically from within you. And so, whenever you know, I say that, yeah, we just need to kind of work through this. How do you want to work through this situation? How do you want to work through these emotions? How do you want to address this issue with your friend and then we can talk through it from there and make it be more of a collateral, guided kind of process. Yeah, instead of me sitting there saying, well, you know what I think you should do again, something nobody wants to hear. No one wants to hear. Well, this is just one of life's learning experiences. No, we're not getting much out of that.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think too, sometimes it's hard as parents not to take things personally right when your kids upset about something, particularly if it's something that you were responsible for.
Speaker 2:I know that has been a really big learning experience for me personally when I I've talked about this in previous episodes, but when I had a fallout with a really good friend, our kids were very close.
Speaker 2:They were like almost like sibling or cousin, close, you know, and that's been really hard for my son and he frequently will ask why he can't see his friends. And you know, when it first happened and it was super fresh I used to almost well I mean not almost I got defensive, you know, because it first happened and it was super fresh, I used to almost well I mean not almost I got defensive, you know, because it was like I was hurt and angry and all you know I was. I was still trying to process a lot of those emotions. So if he brought it up, it was it's really hard for me to kind of sit back and help him process those feelings as well. But over time it's been a long time now but over time, you know, now when he brings it up, I'll say you know, I bet, I bet you are angry at mommy.
Speaker 2:You know, or you're angry at the situation, or I bet you know I can understand why you're hurt or why you're sad, and I really focus on validating the feeling, not trying to take it away or say that you know someday they're going to be friends again.
Speaker 2:You know, I just I don't provide any of that information, I just validate it and then we sit with it, you know and sometimes it's uncomfortable because a lot of times he'll bring up these things in the car when it's like just he and I on a you know like 30 minute car ride, and it's uncomfortable because a lot of times he'll bring up these things in the car when it's just he and I on a 30-minute car ride and it's just like here we go.
Speaker 2:Silence Because I want him to feel it. Sometimes he cries, sometimes he just looks out the window and I, being a talker, have a really hard time sitting there quietly. But I have learned that I have to let him feel those feelings and process that emotion himself. I can't solve that for him and I think that that's hard sometimes. Just not to take things personally. I remind myself I am trying to build or trying to raise kids that have positive coping strategies. Right, I want to learn from my mistakes in life, and so I think that it's so important just to let them sort of develop their own habits.
Speaker 2:I love that he says it out loud. You know that he's not sitting back there stewing over something that he's actually like. Saying it out loud Like this makes me angry, or I really, I'm really sad that I don't get to see them anymore. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Whenever your kid is able to sit there and express their emotions to you or let you know that they are in some form of distress, that is a sign of the strength and the bond and the attachment that you have with your kid, not to say that it's not if they're quiet, because, especially as teenagers, then they also feel the pressure to put on a happy face for their parents, because they know their parents are working so hard to put on you know what I mean the kind of happy face.
Speaker 1:Again, you're modeling the behavior that your kid's then doing, and both of you are miserable, so it's clearly not working.
Speaker 1:But if they come to you or if you sense something is kind of going on, it is 100% okay to recognize the strength in the relationship, like I said, that you have with Jack in those moments, or me with Cameron or Rachel, or whatever our situation may be, but then also to know that in the times in which there's silence, it's just that it's not that it's not there, it just means that we need to tune into it on a different frequency maybe, instead of just listening to what is verbally expressed, you know, looking at some of their behaviors to see if there's signs of distress and then also, you know, as a parent, as a caregiver, as a dad, as an important figure in a child's life, a provider, if you get this spidey sense going on, there's a reason for this spidey sense to be going off and that's a cue to to kind of be present with that and check in.
Speaker 1:So those are like the three things that I think are are pretty big marks whenever it comes to just maybe even human interaction, but especially whenever it comes to kids.
Speaker 2:And you said something that really I think is important to touch on. I think the article also touches on this but building that connection with your kids from such an early age. You know, a lot of times I'll have parents say, well, I asked them every day how their day went and they don't tell me anything. I never know what happens at school, and that's another thing that I think that we just need to be more mindful that when kids have held it all together and followed all the directions and done all the things they've been asked to do for the last eight hours, they do not want to be peppered with questions. The minute they walk in the door, you know, when you see them get off the bus or when you pick them up at the school, whatever it is. So a lot of times just giving them, you know just hey, great to see you. And then giving them some time to just breathe.
Speaker 2:You know afterwards, like we brought our bikes to school and so on the way home, for like the first two or three minutes, you know it's just like silent, and then, like as we start to get you know a good, like three or four minutes into the bike ride, all of a sudden they just start telling me about their day. I don't know. Sometimes I don't even have to ask, sometimes I do like I'll still say like how was your day? You know, anything exciting happen. But for the most part they just kind of like open up and I think some of that has to do with the fact we're not like staring at each other, you know, I think, always trying to have like those side-by-side conversations. Whether you're walking or riding a bike, whatever you're doing, it's just easier for kids to tell you things.
Speaker 2:And then also, I find a really good time for your kids to just build their guts is laying in bed with them at night, especially if you have one like my son, who doesn't fall asleep right away. I mean, he'll tell me anything If I just lay there quietly. All of a sudden it's like he'll. He'll replay the entire day for me. Yeah, um, or deep thoughts by jack, as I like to say, he'll come I love it real interesting questions.
Speaker 2:I'm like oh, I don't know, buddy, it's, I say 45, that's too late to be thinking about that kind of stuff. His latest is like what if the world, the planet, is alive and we're just like damaging it? It's like what if it's a real life thing? And I'm like I, this is too cerebral for your mom.
Speaker 1:That went up tomorrow morning. Right, I'm going to be up all night long. Now, kid, come on.
Speaker 2:Right, but it's you know, that's when you really build connection with kids and that's when they feel safe to talk to you. You know it may not be the same times for everyone, but I think just giving them a minute to process their day, versus like they just got in the car, like how was your day, What'd you do today?
Speaker 1:How was the math test, Like it will come out if you just give it a minute yeah, I think asking questions generally just kind of puts people on a spot, you know, and especially at transition times, I don't know that that's. It seems like it's the best way to fill the situation, but I don't know that it is. So I think silence is very helpful and I think just making observational statements is helpful too. Like, if you just even I don't listen, I don't have music on, I don't actually fine, I stay by my house. No, I just don't live Right, right, I don't listen to music in the car, I don't listen to anything. My house is silent, like, and I, I know I'm so weird Even whenever I'm here, like cleaning the house or do anything else, it is a hundred percent sound.
Speaker 1:The TV is never on the radio, no music, no, nothing, but um, that's for me, for whatever reason, that's pretty comforting and I heard things for many years. I don't I don't need to hear anything, I just need things to be silent. But to hear anything, I just need things to be silent. But whenever I'm taking the kids someplace in the car, I'll just see if they're quiet. I'll be just making an observation.
Speaker 1:Gosh, you seem like you're pretty quiet today and that cues them on that of a behavior that they're doing. I'm not going to ask them a question about it, I'm just going to see where they go with it, and they'll go. Yeah, well, I was just thinking about this, or oh, I didn't realize I was, and so, again, it's kind of a neat little way to break into a conversation without putting them on the spot and helping them kind of cue into what's going on in that moment with them. But I think just sometimes making those observational kind of statements about people can really just be a way to open things up, in addition to allowing people just to kind of be who they are in the moment that they're experiencing something, yeah, Whatever that is.
Speaker 2:And when they are feeling a certain way you know if they're frustrated about something reminding them that that's that those feelings serve a purpose right.
Speaker 2:Every emotion serves a purpose, like happiness, it lets you know what you really enjoy in life and what fills your bucket. And sadness lets you know, you know that something was maybe important to you. Or, um, if you're angry, that you know you were hurt like most likely, you know, and fear is a protective factor that something's like most likely you know, and fear is a protective factor that something's potentially not safe. And so when we validate those feelings for them and we say you know that these are normal feelings, that everybody feels this way, and try to like, turn that into a superpower, right.
Speaker 2:If you're afraid it could be for a very good reason. Maybe that's dangerous and you shouldn't be doing it. Or, you know, if you're hurt or if you're angry, maybe it's because you really feel hurt. You know, did you get left out? Like really trying to help them process that those emotions serve a purpose and that it's okay to actually feel them.
Speaker 1:Yes, and it's important to differentiate between emotions too, because sometimes fear is one that you just said and it sticks and just shoots out at me, because sometimes people associate fear and anxiety as being synonyms, and they're not. They're two completely different things. And so anxiety is a cognitive thing that is just like the train leaving the station and now we are downhill and colliding into everything, derailing everything else, and it's because it has all of these different thoughts that come along with it. Fear is something that is an actual threat. Anxiety is something that we're creating unintentionally or that just kind of manifests within our head. But they're two separate things, and so being able to differentiate those things with our kids, I think is important.
Speaker 1:And so if, like Rachel says, well, you know, I'm afraid of, I don't know, a spider, and I'm like, okay, well, that's a reasonable thing. But then if she goes on to say like, well, it makes me anxious to be around it, no, it doesn't, because now we're thinking about you know what I mean A whole bunch of other things. You being afraid that this thing is going to bite you might be reasonable, or a snake, but then you being anxious to even see one or be around one isn't reasonable. So let's back away. In the actual moment. Fears whenever, in the actual moment of something happening, is whenever fear is present.
Speaker 2:Any other time it's anxiety and that's whenever we got to be mindful of it another big one that this article referenced was failure and allowing your kids to experience that. I was in a classroom observing this week and I can't remember exactly what it said. I wish I could remember the exact words, but it was something like you know, failure is just the first obstacle, or something like that, something to that effect. And you know, I think about all the times that I've failed in my life, like so many times I mean, we've laughed about it on the show. Let's just talk about not making cheerleading in middle school Huge failure for me right.
Speaker 2:Something I worked really hard at didn't happen, but ultimately it taught me some resilience in life and how you get on with it. A lot of my friends made the team. I still was there cheering them on, that's right. Oh, you have to learn. You have to fail at things to learn how to then deal with it later in life. I've also failed you know, technically failed every like big test I've ever had to take. I've always had to take it twice in order to get the, you know, necessary score. So whether it was like the ACT to get into college, the GRE to get into graduate school, the practice exam to get my license, all of those tests I had to take twice because I'm just not a good test taker. I'm smart, I'm prepared, but I get in there and my mind goes completely blank and, for whatever reason, the second time I take it it's like, oh, I've got this, I can remember what I'm supposed to know.
Speaker 2:And so you can see how people easily give up, like oh, I didn't pass, Like this isn't for me. You don't have some of those built in resilience factors of like well, I didn't pass this time, but I'm going to get it next time. You know, like that's that, that no quit. That I think that we want to instill in our kids is to never give up, to keep pushing forward.
Speaker 2:Failure is not an option. I mean, failure is an option, but it's going to just propel you forward instead of, you know, becoming like a roadblock. And so I think you know, just in, not that you want to create ways for your kids to fail, because I don't think that that's great either, and I'm certainly not talking about them like failing a grade, because I think you know, if you listen to that podcast episode, you know my thoughts on uh retention. But failing at, you know, maybe not making a sports team or, um, failing a test that they didn't prepare for, like you know, any it could be something very small or it could be something bigger. That really, you know, ultimately just teaches them how to become resilient and move forward and deal with failure.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and I think that, again, us being their primary teachers, as parents, as caregivers, as providers, important people within their life. They have to know and see us experience those things and I think you do a great job of this, like with the meditation stuff know how we cope with it whenever we have those moments, have those moments and that I think serves as the greatest lesson again for a child's overall wellness is seeing your parents kind of struggle with something but then seeing how resilient that can make them and then that then teaches them that internal lesson of how to cope in those situations or with that experience as well.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I just, and I think for me the quickest thing that always comes into play with this is that and again, if you listen to our podcast, you know both Karen and I are type one diabetics and um, whenever he was diagnosed and after he had his moment which you can I think it's an episode like four, season one, um, like maybe three you can listen to, but you know it was one of those things where he realized he was going to be okay, because he saw me at times struggle with it and still succeed, and so I think that that is an important lesson. So even now we just I can look at him and did like from whenever he was 12, 13, 14, whatever I can look at him and know that he's struggling, but I have to allow him to struggle in order for him to know how to manage his condition. Yeah, and he had to see me do that in order to know that he can too. So I can't fix it. I mean, could I Sure?
Speaker 1:I can run over there and check his blood sugar and then give him. You know what I mean. Whatever Am I? Nope, I'm not doing it Now. If he starts to go unconscious, then I'll start to do something, but it's got to be right to that line. You know what I mean. He's got to feel it in order to know it, because one day he's going to be on his own and about ready to pass out. And you got to get yourself out of that hole, kid, and that's just.
Speaker 1:Maybe that's where I just take such a hardcore approach to some of this stuff is that it does come down to those experiences and him happening to go through. That is important for his over, for him to live, not just to cope with like daily life, but just to stay alive, and so I think I'd probably take that idea and then, um, you know, kind of push it out more globally. But that's just because, at the end of the day, I don't know there's anything bigger than life or death. And if you can kind of deal with that, then all of this other stuff we can kind of, we can work through, we can work through, yeah, yeah, and so.
Speaker 1:But he had to see me struggle. He had to see the times in which I was in the hospital. He had to see the times in which, you know, my blood sugar would mess up or it would be too high or what was going on, or it just hits you out of the blue and so, whether that's emotions, a medical condition or whatever, you allowing your kids to see you go through something and then how you cope with it, I think is so, so, so important. So you know, at times I'll cry in front of the kids, you know, and it's not very often.
Speaker 1:It'll be about like I don't know. Sometimes we'll be coming home from a trip and I'll just be like crying. Then we're like are you? Why are you crying? Are you sad? No, sometimes you cry because you're happy. We just had a great time and it was a great memory. And it's not that I'm sad that it's over, it's just that I'm being reflective that this really fun time is now ending, is now ending, and so then it's like oh okay, so it's okay to have this emotion at that point of time too.
Speaker 1:Yeah girl, you know what I mean. It's fine, or you cry at the end of a happy movie or at different points, and so again, it's not. Or even if you're having a bad day, I mean you can talk to your kids about having a bad day and what it's like for you, and then it's like you know we're not super. We have super powers, but I mean I'm not walking around like I'm She-Ra. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Or Wonder Woman. We're not going to pretend everything's perfect all the time and not let them see. You know the daily struggles, whatever that is, whether it's you're dealing with a mental health issue or you're dealing with a difficult colleague that has, you know, really set you off that day. There's so many opportunities within a day to demonstrate for your kids healthy coping patterns or habits.
Speaker 2:And you know, I had a frustrating day the other day and was kind of stewing about something and came home and I had already meditated, I had already done all my things, but I just, you know, I was like mom needs a minute and I went upstairs and meditated and, you know, got myself back together and so just being super mindful of like those teachable moments I had, a um, I had a boss that I worked for many years ago and she's like you've constantly got to look for teachable moments, whether that's as an educator, as a parent.
Speaker 2:You know, my husband lost his job. That was a real teachable moment for our kids to see things don't always work out the way you think they're going to. He didn't get every job that he applied for. I mean, it was what four months before he got landed a job and they got to see that. They got to see that struggle, they got to see him continue, they got to see him get frustrated. And so I think that's important for not just moms, but dads like you also are responsible for demonstrating emotion and teaching your kids how to persevere through hardships. It's not all our responsibility as moms and not saying that everybody thinks it is but I think a lot of times, cats could play a really vital role. You know, let's say, your kids playing t-ball and you're pissed off at the umpire, called something wrong or what.
Speaker 2:I don't even think of umpires and people, but whatever it is like, you're demonstrating how to deal with your frustration every time when you go at somebody or curse at somebody, whatever it is, you're showing them that that's how you deal with these feelings, and so you have to think about that sometimes, and that is that really how you want them to deal with their feelings as well? Is that the healthiest way for them to deal with their emotion?
Speaker 1:Absolutely. And I mean you know I would charge the mound at point, you know, or whatever, but it is. You have to really kind of put in that everyone who is involved in a child's life. You were serving as a um, an image yeah, I don't want to use the word role model, cause we all just kind of like, but you're serving as an image for how they reflect and see the world and it's also reflective of you as a human being too. So again, great, we're having to deal with this for kids and having to be this person, but you're also doing it for yourself at the end of the day. So if you're just trying to put on this face because you're a role model for your kids or for the teachers or your patients or whatever, and you're not doing it for yourself, it's just it's creating this cycle that we're talking about. So it's got to be about you wanting to step to that line too, like we talked about leveling up, kind of meeting at that place, and then that makes it more natural whenever it comes to life situations and circumstances and making things relatable. I like what you said about the teaching moment because it reminds me, like I think that whenever we're kids.
Speaker 1:We see such a stark difference between what we go through in school and what our parents go through and work. But they're the same exact damn place. Let's just the social relationships. The friendships are based on proximity. There's a learning environment, there's a hierarchy. It's the same thing. We're just above the age of 18 and maybe now getting paid for something thing. We're just above the age of 18 and maybe now getting paid for something. But at the end of the day, the social environment and the pecking order is kind of the same.
Speaker 1:So you sitting there, if your kid's having a tough time talking about something that happened at school, bringing up a relevant issue about a tough time you went through at work, lets them see that guess what? Yeah, it happens then and it happens now, and we're going to talk about how we are going to make this better for both of us. You know what I mean, or what I did in this situation that helped me, what might work for you here, you know. But again, it's not to paint the bleak picture that, yeah, you're going to have fights in school, you're going to have fights and work, You're going to have fights at home in your life, but to also say we are always going to have these different situations that create points of struggle or distress or that are just yucky and we don't like.
Speaker 1:Here's some that I experienced. At this point it sounds kind of similar to what you went, do you think it is? What have you experienced that sounds like this? Or what have have even opened up to them? What's your yuck that you're kind of going through right now? Gosh, validate it. Don't just turn it on to being the you show at that point you know what I mean, but use that to kind of just be like yeah, you know what. There was this time whenever I went through something like that and then sit with it and be quiet and see if the kid asks more questions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think an easy trap to fall into in those situations is the comparison game, right?
Speaker 1:No one offers easy.
Speaker 2:Well, it's so easy to be like. Well, when I was a kid, blah, blah, blah. I mean I, I 100% said that to my son the other day when he was complaining about going to soccer practice and 93 degree weather, and I was like, do you understand? When I was a kid, like, we played outside all the time. All the time there was nothing else to do but go outside and if you tried to come in, your mom literally locked the door.
Speaker 2:You know, I'm like you can handle this for one hour, you know, but again, like it's so easy to fall into that trap. And I try to be super mindful of the comparison game because you know my kids are very competitive with one another. It absolutely drives us bonkers. They race home on their bikes anywhere. Anything they're on, they race. Everything's a race. Did Jolie do it better? Did Jack do it better? Let's have a dance off who dances better. It is constant in our household and we are constantly saying it's not a competition.
Speaker 1:It's not a competition.
Speaker 2:But when we fall into the trap of comparing them, you're making it a competition, Whether you mean to or not. You are, and so being super mindful of the comparison game even if it's you comparing their childhood to yours. Like I said, I know that I'm certainly guilty of that and working every day to get better at that, because I don't want everything to be a competition. They're going to do that enough. Social media is giving them every opportunity to compare themselves to everyone else, whether you know, whether they're on social media or not at opportunity to compare themselves to everyone else.
Speaker 2:Whether you know, whether they're on social media or not, at some point they will be. Whether they're, you know, 17, 18, 20, whatever. It will be a part of their life at some point. And if we can instill at such a young age, that it's not about comparing ourselves to someone else.
Speaker 2:they're going to be so much better off we're going to have so much less to worry about when they are in these environments or these experiences that they're not going to feel that pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way. You know, do whatever one else is doing. So I think, just being mindful not to compare, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that, yeah, totally, and you can create that relatability to an experience without comparison, like without comparing it, like whenever you were saying that stuff. I was sitting there thinking about a conversation I had last night with Cameron's girlfriend, but instead of saying, well, whenever we were in school we didn't have phones to know where you know, cameron left his phone in her dorm, so now there's no way to get a hold of him. We can't track him on Life 360. We don't know where, we think we know where he's going, but we don't know and we don't know how to get ahold of him because they're not landlines anymore. So we went.
Speaker 1:She was like I don't know if I can live in this world where there's not like technology, like how did and if I would have went? Well, never, I was a teenager. We had pager. Before that there was nothing, a pay phone Do y'all know how to use it? But it was almost more like you know, putting into perspective, can you imagine what that would be like if that was like your reality every day? And she was like, no, and I was like it wasn't so long ago. You know what I mean. Or if you can still create that sense of relatability. Without making a comparison, the point still remains valid. You know, you can talk to the kids Like, like. I was thinking of our parents and our parents were not at all mean, or you know whatever, my stepdad was so strict, your parents were strict, my stepdad was very strict, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:But this is where, like, if I were to say, could you imagine like having to walk home in the middle of the night and you had to leave out bread at your house to keep your dog from barking, so that way you didn't wake up your parents if you had to, and the kids would probably be like what? And I was like, yeah, that was kind of what we did, you know, but it was those situations and I can sit there and say, well, you don't know what it was like. Whenever you know we had to do all of these things, I did it too.
Speaker 2:It's like that whole walking up the mountain in the snow Uphill both ways Right, right, a hundred.
Speaker 1:But you can make that relatable by making it a funner thing, like can you imagine or what would you do if?
Speaker 2:and then it kind of brings it back home and it's like, and you just can look at somebody, then be like, yeah, it makes it more fun yeah, yeah, and to kind of wrap things up here, because I think we've touched on a lot of um, the things that we can do to sort of help build these positive coping strategies or skills within your child. But I think the other thing to be mindful of is how and what you're praising your kid for right. So if you're praising them for their grades or how they performed on a test, or the fact that they scored all the goals in their soccer game or they caught the biggest fish at the fishing tournament, I you know that you're also giving them this idea that in order to be loved or to be worthy, they have to achieve something. And why? Yes?
Speaker 2:we certainly want to praise our kids when they do well in something, particularly if they've worked hard at it and it's something that's important to them. I think it's important to acknowledge those things, but to also be mindful of acknowledging who they are as an individual. You know whether it's something that you particularly like or not. Um, you know it's who they are, it's part of who they are, it's their character, and so praising them for things like being funny although my daughter's hilarious.
Speaker 2:When she was little she used to get really mad at us for saying she was funny, but now I think she appreciates it and and you know so just like things like that, or problem.
Speaker 2:My son is an excellent problem solver and he has these really great ideas and just he, he, just he's really thoughtful. And so a lot of times I find myself, you know, acknowledging that as well because I want him to know it's really about who he is versus what he can do, you know. Again, going back to like strengths and weaknesses, like I mean, he's not going to play on a professional sports team, at least not yet. We haven't found the sport. If that's the case, you know, and I I know a lot of kids get a lot of accolades for sports and things like that and he's very, he does well academically. But you know that doesn't mean anything either.
Speaker 2:You know, he right now he's in third grade, like how's how he's doing later, and so, um, you know, just trying to acknowledge them for their uh personalities and what they bring their kindness yes, good spirit. You know um their excitement about things like those type of things are really what you want to make a big deal about, I guess.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:If you see him hold a door open for somebody, or if he shares something with another person, whether it's his sister or whatever else, or this week, if your young one gets grounded for doing certain things and then took the grounding well and knew that you couldn't do things. You know, I know you didn't necessarily like being grounded and you know we've kind of learned from that, but you really handled this situation well. You know that's a huge thing to sit there and say too, thanks for not. You know, I know it was really hard for you not to like argue or kind of talk back right then, but you did a really good job of just kind of sitting with it and then we had a great conversation afterwards. That was huge. Like that's what this is all about, thank you. You know, finding, like you said, those nuggets that we can highlight, some of those other achievements that they make can then help out in other areas. And so you may see like a plateau, like in my math ability, and like a D right, a high D it's still passing.
Speaker 2:It's passing.
Speaker 1:But if you and that might be where my plat and I might even feel like that is my plateau but if you allow me to achieve kind of like what you were saying earlier in another area and kind of praise and build my confidence there, that cup is going to overflow into the next one and then I'm going to find a little bit more, or there's just going to be a natural desire of some type that gets created. Well, ok, now it's a C minus, you know, but it's not because you got me the math tutor, it's because you let me go out and do this, and so I think that you know again, sometimes, whenever we reach a plateau, it's not that we have to kind of dig harder in that one area. We need to branch out to another one, to deepen its well, to make it stronger, and then that overflow will come into the next pot and help to rise it up to, or raise it up to yeah.
Speaker 2:I think too. I just thought of this, where you were talking about that, and remembering that development is different for every kid and kids, you know, experience emotions and display their emotions. You know my daughter feels deeply and when she gets upset about something, you know about it. But I have watched her change in the last like three months. Like she is so much better at handling distress of any kind than she was three months ago and you know we have laughed for a long time. My husband and I will say, you know, like her teenage years are gonna be so much fun because she is so obvious when she's upset, and this week we had an example of this.
Speaker 2:So she tends to leave her bike right behind my car and we talk about this all the time. You have got to put your bike where it goes, it's going to get ran over, blah, blah, blah. And so I am pulling out at seven in the morning and I run over the damn bike and I had to sit for a minute because of course I wanted to explode, because how many times have I told her to put the bike up. And I sat there for a minute because I was like I don't want to start her day off this way. She like, just got up and is eating breakfast.
Speaker 2:I don't want to go raging into the house and scream like what are you doing? Your bike is now crushed. You're lucky, my car is fine. But so I had a minute and then I walked in and I said, jolie, I would like for you to come outside and look what mommy just ran over. And she didn't have to come outside. She knew and she typically would have burst into tears, told me I didn't love her and take you know, ran to her room. I mean that, that's like a pretty typical reaction when something like that happens.
Speaker 2:And she just kind of like she welled up and she was like I'm really sorry, I know, I, you know. She says, like I know I'm supposed to put my bike up and I said yeah, you are. I said unfortunately you guys aren't going to be able to ride your bike for a couple of days until we can figure out if we can fix it or we're going to have to come up with a solution. And she was upset, she was sad about it, you know, but I had to recognize how much she has grown in three months and how that reaction did not occur. Now, it could have been the fact that I didn't walk in and yell at her that also helped her respond in a more calm manner.
Speaker 2:But you know, just remembering, because sometimes kids can really give charged reactions which then like makes us react even more, you know, we kind of like bounce that energy back and forth. And remembering that, like I knew how I went in and approach this was going to impact her reaction to me and I wanted her to feel upset enough to stop parking her bike in front of my car. But I also didn't want to ruin her entire day and her to be upset or crying on the way to school. You know that's not what I wanted. So just a reminder, because parents say all the time you know my kid, you know my kid is, my kid is this. You know we have a tendency to tell all the things that our kid does wrong. I'm guilty of it.
Speaker 2:Everybody every parent is guilty of it, you know. Parent is guilty of it, you know. But to remind yourself that kids are developing these skills and they're distressed to tolerance and you know, give them some grace when they're like four or five years old and think about how you're potentially increasing their reactions.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's fair. That is very, very fair. And it's it's a I don't know. It's a struggle, it's a struggle, it's a struggle, it's not easy.
Speaker 2:You're constantly evaluating your behavior, but I mean that's any behavior plan that you ever put into place. I mean, adults don't like to hear this. It's really about what the adult's going to do.
Speaker 2:Not really changing the child. You're changing how the adult responds or sets up the environment for the child. If you have behavioral issues, you have to really take a look at your behavior. And that's hard. It's really hard as a parent, it's really hard as a teacher, educator, anybody that is working with children. It's really hard to take a look at yourself and say, okay, what am I, what can I do differently?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And see if it's a change you know, nine times out of 10, it's going to impact the behavior positively.
Speaker 1:Yes, I agree with that 1000%. I remember when I was seeing patients a lot of times everybody's number one stressor is other people right and we would talk about different ways in which they could express and share their emotions and we'd go down this whole route and I was. I mean, if I could have been a fly on the wall. I know that many of these people would have done everything a hundred percent the way that we just talked about, but at the end of the day, what it came down to is okay. Well, now we're just going to have to change our total response to the situation. So we're going to this is going to be weird, but we're going to change the way that we are responding to every aspect of this. And then that is sometimes the only way that people change is if you change, and that sounds so counterproductive and intuitive. It sounds almost like we're being the one punished for their bad behavior or not listening or how they're reacting. But the only way sometimes people change is through you, changing your response to their situation.
Speaker 2:I think it's not just people, though. Like how many people have you heard say my dog, my dog is so bad. Well, what's the trainer going to tell you to do? Right, they're going to come in and tell you some different behavior techniques to do and to reinforce their behaviors when they display appropriate behaviors. You're going to reinforce that. So it's not just kids, this is also applicable to animals. If you have a, whatever it is problem wise, if it has any sort of brain, typically it's going to require a change in your behavior.
Speaker 2:I don't know. We kind of got off on a tangent there, but I was the whole dog thing really it always gets when people are like your dog is so well behaved and I'm like, yeah, because he gets exercise every day and we train him and he's not allowed on. You know the sleep in our bed like there's just some very basic things that any dog trainer will tell you is necessary in order to have a good behaving dog. The tired dog I stand firm on that. Bad, wear their ass out.
Speaker 2:Wear them out wear them out park that's it.
Speaker 1:That's it. Make your kids ride the bikes, get them out of the screen time, whatever it may be whatever it is, get that energy out.
Speaker 2:All right, I think we've uh beat that dead horse. Hopefully it gave our listeners some ideas, just some things to ponder yeah but we are raising tomorrow's adults, people that are going to wipe our ass when we're old. So 100% the best we can, yeah, and I.
Speaker 1:my whole saying is I'm not raising kids, I'm raising miniature adults.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's, that's my mentality. That may sound like it's a drill sergeant kind of thing, but I don't. I just see everything as kind of like a lesson. And so what am I trying to teach today? Like, what are we, you know, and that may even create, um, its own thing thing, uh, in a sense. But I'm like, okay, there's something teachable, learnable, achievable about today. What's it going to be? And so and we're not perfect, god knows, I'm not a perfect parent ask my son, he'll. He's 19 now. He'll be happy to tell you um.
Speaker 2:Get it wrong all the time right right.
Speaker 1:I'm sure our nine-year-old will come in here and be like wow Cameron might be much more gentle about things, in a sense. So we're not going to act like we're perfect here, but I think that it always comes back to reading articles like this, to having these honest discussions within ourselves and with each other, with everybody listening, and then now I think that this just serves as another opportunity for us. We've put it out there, we've spoken, and now we just got to level up and keep doing it.
Speaker 2:Level up baby. That's it. Keep listening, All right, Until next week, Lylas we out you Thank you.